Tryin' to Find A Balance

It's so funny whenever I get a spare few hours of free time in which no studying needs to be done or any of that, I'm so excited that I fill it with tasks until I'm back to being stressed out. Oy, oh well.

So a few days, I got into this in depth conversation with my best friend/roommate about something that's been nagging at me for awhile, concerning her boyfriend. To put it plainly to my readers, she spends an obnoxious amount of time with him, while her friends, classes, and even parents are left to the wayside. Which is okay, most of the time, because it's her first "love" and she's supposed to be all wrapped up in it, but I felt the need to say something, because well, that's what I do. It turned out okay, but entirely too emotional. Like, when I talked to my eldest sister later, I just sobbed and sobbed because of all the bottled up emotions I had left. However, we both really said things we needed to say and she needed to hear. My main motif of the talk was that she needs to find a balance of all things. And step off, she listened to me and did just that. Of course, it will be interesting to see how it sticks, but there you go.

Anyway, I've lingered on this thought of balance for a long time. I feel like it's so taboo, one of those things that people forget to tell as you grown up. It seems so simple, yet wow, impossible too. It's definitely something I've struggled with these past few months. School, church, my family, friends, babysitting as much as I can get, and just going going going to get it all done. I was on the phone with my friend Anjli earlier, and I was surprised to hear myself say the words "burned out" with this semester. I've always scorned college kids who say they're so burned out by school, because for a long time, school was no big deal, but here I am: burned to a crisp. Of course, for me it's a cumulative effort by everything in my life demanding my attention, so I'll give myself a freebie (cue the comment by Melanie about how I don't even know).

But it goes beyond that. Trying to find a balance with everything. Fun with work, relaxation with stress, not going months without hanging out with certain friends, and enjoying school while still working my butt off. The weirdest part is, right before I am so certain I am drowning, I remember I can swim and pull my head above water. By deep breaths, by praying, by reading for ten minutes, I do what I can to keep level so I don't spin out of control. So far, it's worked.

Life is good right now. And, dare I say it, my life has almost always been good, despite many of my teenage years screaming in protest. I've had many blessings, not too many hardships, and a rather happy existence. Of course there are day to day conflicts and stresses that can sometimes seem too much for any one person, but so what? Everyone has that. I have parents who, really, I would be lost without, sisters whom I adore, straight up, friends who I trust and love, and a downright decent lifestyle. But of course, the scales in my head have me worried. Since I've had a pretty easy time, I am just so sure that such hardships are coming up. I mean it, I'm talking the worst anyone has ever seen are so surely in my path. Luckily, I come up for air soon after having these thoughts and realize that a) this is unlikely and b) even if it is, golly I just know I can get through it. I just do. I have too much on my side for anything to really get me. So it's okay. Bring it on, world.

Anyway, my advice to Veronica was balance. Soon after, I realized it's my advice for everyone. When it tips too far to the wrong side, give it a good ole shove, pick yourself up and remember, So What? People have weathered so much worse and likely, so have you. It's okay.

The Occasion

Today is Emma Rose Logue's 21st birthday. I'm not going to tell her I wrote this blog about her, wait and see how long it takes her to find it.


I don't know if you guys know Emma, but let me tell you, she is a blessing and a half. Seriously, the world would be a dim and dark place without her. Well, my world at least. She is one of my best friends and can make me laugh, cry and praise God faster than anyone I know. As most of my friends pass this landmark of a birthday, I am still shocked by it. It seems like just yesterday I was counting down the years (yes, years) to when I turned 16, but now all my friends are turning 21? The last birthday that people actually look forward to celebrating? Yikes. But as the partner in crime, of the Emma Squared group quickly passes by this birthday, I am, to say the least confident.

I'm going to expand, most likely to Ms. Emma's chagrin. It's more than supporting her, which I would do anyway. I supported her when she wanted to go to Africa. I supported her when she went to Bible College. And as she assuredly heads towards this next phase of her life, I just know, KNOW that she'll rock this party. No lie. Oh, she'll have drama, she'll have tears, she'll have blessings and prayers, but no worries, she'll have the happiest days most people could ever imagine. Which is why, as this day turns into night and I keep glancing at the clock until I get to leave to meet her for a birthday dinner, the first in two years, I am confident, sanguine, and imperturbable about this wonderful and exciting and beautiful and close-as-you-can-get-to-perfect best friend of mine. No matter what.

Happy birthday, darling friend. I do love you so very much.

Le Sigh

Yep. A complaining one. I fully give you permission to skip reading this one, as it will undoubtedly be whiny as all get out.

Anywho.

So I am taking a brief hiatus from the studying I've been doing for hours and hours to write a short blog post. Mostly because I am sick of studying, but also so I can complain.

Something that has recently (like, as of Halloween-ish time) has come to my attention. I think I might be...lonely... Now I say that with reservations as it is a moment to moment changing thing and just kind of comes out of nowhere, only to leave just as quickly as it came. Let me break it down for you.

This Halloween I didn't make any plans whatsoever because a) lame, it was on a Sunday and b) I had a ton of studying to do. But whenever Halloween afternoon came around, I found myself completely alone in my apartment, my books and papers untouched and really just wasting time. I was so...bored and restless that I couldn't sit still to do anything except menial tasks that I didn't really want to do (laundry, showering, cleaning). Then, when I finally sat down to start studying, I was hit with it: loneliness. I hadn't talked to anyone for a few hours, and kept seeing everyone's cool plans on facebook and twitter. I was so sad I didn't have anyone to be with on this stupid holiday that all I could do was stare at my phone, willing for it to ring or beep from someone, anyone. Then I sort of came to and called my mom, simply to find out what she was doing that night for Halloween. All it took was a simple "Come home!" from her, and I was in my car, guiltily bringing my books with me to "study."

Now, sure, that looks a lot like boredom, but really I was just so smacked in the face with the fact that I am technically very alone ( I mean this relationship-wise) and honestly, this is a first for me.

I love not having a boyfriend or dating-guy or really, a crush, since whenever I have anything like that, I am so eager to get out of it. Seriously, I think there might be something wrong with me. I LOVE being alone, having no one to answer to (besides my mom and I guess myself) and doing whatever I want whenever I want. I always have, I think because when I was growing up, there was always someone around, so it was a rare, cherished moment to be alone. When I first got to college, I had roommates who were always around or friends over, so still, alone time was my absolute favorite. But now...I am alone, a lot.

Like today, basically since 9 a.m., I have been alone, because I have been studying for these two huge tests I have tomorrow and Thursday. Which, really was fine. It was just that every once and awhile, I'd get this gut-wrenching, slap in the face with loneliness.

Honestly, I think it's only because it's a first for me, really. Like I said, I love love love my alone time, and for now, wouldn't want it any other way. I have had too many friends get into serious relationships and not be ready for them, and I do not want that in any way. It's almost nice, because it means that sooner rather than later, I'll be ready to be in an actual relationship. Yikes, okay.

Sorry, my brain is more than a bit fried, thanks to professors being jerks and assigning tests at the same time. It's just odd for me to be lonely, since I always prided myself on being able to be alone and perfectly happy. Sigh, I suppose it's just a part of growing up? Well, time to get back to endless anthropology notes and communication flashcards. Thanks to those (mom) who took the time to read!


P.S. Don't worry, you fix the whole lonely thing for me.