Baby, you're a firework.

I have absolutely noooo motivation for finals. Thus a blog post. Well, that and it's been weeks (AGAIN!)

Yep, within a mere 8 days, I will be finished will my fall semester. Crazy, but good heavens it couldn't come sooner. Seriously, I thought this semester would be my downfall, the reason I end up in a crazy bin, but then poof, it's over. Gotta love college and the way it's continuously surprising you...

Whatever, I'm so over talking about it all and it hasn't even started. I'm basically the one person who has a final on the last day possible to take them and I have to take one in almost ever class. Woohoo...I luckily am fairly confident that if I get all the studying done I need to do I might actually come out from this insane few months with some pretty decent grades to show. At least, that's what my crossed fingers keep telling me.

Golly, okay the real reason I wanted to post, before all this finals talk. It's something that's been on my mind for awhile and I just wrote a blog about how happy I am. Seriously, I am so freakin good with this life I've got. However, me being me, I'm starting to feel odd about it. A few days ago, I got coffee with a friend of mine who I haven't seen in awhile and he totally dumped all over me with his problems. He has recently decided to do a 180 on what he wants to do with his life but still has no idea what to do with himself now. Basically, he's lost. At first, I felt for him, really. I couldn't imagine doing that and not knowing what I was going to do with my life at all. Then I got a little irritated.

To me, happiness is a choice, your life is a choice. You can choose to wallow, to be lost or you can pick yourself up, get some dang perspective and move on. Well, I tried to relay that to my friend with somewhat disastrous results, but I still think he actually heard me. Of course the real irony of this is sometimes it's really hard for me to follow this advice myself, as is my custom. But the bottom line is that I KNOW that everyone is capable of making a good life for themselves. It might take some time, days or even years, but we are just so adept as a race at turning situations around and yet so often we choose to just lay down and take it. So I get irritated when people I know decide to do that when I am so sure they know better.

Anyway, the real moral of this story that I keep going back to is that I am so dang lucky to be so happy. Yes there are some really down days or even weeks, but who doesn't have that. I have learned to just process it, whatever it is, and just go back to my normal, pretty darn happy self. I'm glad to have that.

Sorry if this post was a little bleh, but my brain is a little fried and panicky due to all the massive amounts of work I have to accomplish over the next few days. Anyway, that's all for now, folks.

P.S. You're a big part of why I'm happy.

Tryin' to Find A Balance

It's so funny whenever I get a spare few hours of free time in which no studying needs to be done or any of that, I'm so excited that I fill it with tasks until I'm back to being stressed out. Oy, oh well.

So a few days, I got into this in depth conversation with my best friend/roommate about something that's been nagging at me for awhile, concerning her boyfriend. To put it plainly to my readers, she spends an obnoxious amount of time with him, while her friends, classes, and even parents are left to the wayside. Which is okay, most of the time, because it's her first "love" and she's supposed to be all wrapped up in it, but I felt the need to say something, because well, that's what I do. It turned out okay, but entirely too emotional. Like, when I talked to my eldest sister later, I just sobbed and sobbed because of all the bottled up emotions I had left. However, we both really said things we needed to say and she needed to hear. My main motif of the talk was that she needs to find a balance of all things. And step off, she listened to me and did just that. Of course, it will be interesting to see how it sticks, but there you go.

Anyway, I've lingered on this thought of balance for a long time. I feel like it's so taboo, one of those things that people forget to tell as you grown up. It seems so simple, yet wow, impossible too. It's definitely something I've struggled with these past few months. School, church, my family, friends, babysitting as much as I can get, and just going going going to get it all done. I was on the phone with my friend Anjli earlier, and I was surprised to hear myself say the words "burned out" with this semester. I've always scorned college kids who say they're so burned out by school, because for a long time, school was no big deal, but here I am: burned to a crisp. Of course, for me it's a cumulative effort by everything in my life demanding my attention, so I'll give myself a freebie (cue the comment by Melanie about how I don't even know).

But it goes beyond that. Trying to find a balance with everything. Fun with work, relaxation with stress, not going months without hanging out with certain friends, and enjoying school while still working my butt off. The weirdest part is, right before I am so certain I am drowning, I remember I can swim and pull my head above water. By deep breaths, by praying, by reading for ten minutes, I do what I can to keep level so I don't spin out of control. So far, it's worked.

Life is good right now. And, dare I say it, my life has almost always been good, despite many of my teenage years screaming in protest. I've had many blessings, not too many hardships, and a rather happy existence. Of course there are day to day conflicts and stresses that can sometimes seem too much for any one person, but so what? Everyone has that. I have parents who, really, I would be lost without, sisters whom I adore, straight up, friends who I trust and love, and a downright decent lifestyle. But of course, the scales in my head have me worried. Since I've had a pretty easy time, I am just so sure that such hardships are coming up. I mean it, I'm talking the worst anyone has ever seen are so surely in my path. Luckily, I come up for air soon after having these thoughts and realize that a) this is unlikely and b) even if it is, golly I just know I can get through it. I just do. I have too much on my side for anything to really get me. So it's okay. Bring it on, world.

Anyway, my advice to Veronica was balance. Soon after, I realized it's my advice for everyone. When it tips too far to the wrong side, give it a good ole shove, pick yourself up and remember, So What? People have weathered so much worse and likely, so have you. It's okay.

The Occasion

Today is Emma Rose Logue's 21st birthday. I'm not going to tell her I wrote this blog about her, wait and see how long it takes her to find it.


I don't know if you guys know Emma, but let me tell you, she is a blessing and a half. Seriously, the world would be a dim and dark place without her. Well, my world at least. She is one of my best friends and can make me laugh, cry and praise God faster than anyone I know. As most of my friends pass this landmark of a birthday, I am still shocked by it. It seems like just yesterday I was counting down the years (yes, years) to when I turned 16, but now all my friends are turning 21? The last birthday that people actually look forward to celebrating? Yikes. But as the partner in crime, of the Emma Squared group quickly passes by this birthday, I am, to say the least confident.

I'm going to expand, most likely to Ms. Emma's chagrin. It's more than supporting her, which I would do anyway. I supported her when she wanted to go to Africa. I supported her when she went to Bible College. And as she assuredly heads towards this next phase of her life, I just know, KNOW that she'll rock this party. No lie. Oh, she'll have drama, she'll have tears, she'll have blessings and prayers, but no worries, she'll have the happiest days most people could ever imagine. Which is why, as this day turns into night and I keep glancing at the clock until I get to leave to meet her for a birthday dinner, the first in two years, I am confident, sanguine, and imperturbable about this wonderful and exciting and beautiful and close-as-you-can-get-to-perfect best friend of mine. No matter what.

Happy birthday, darling friend. I do love you so very much.

Le Sigh

Yep. A complaining one. I fully give you permission to skip reading this one, as it will undoubtedly be whiny as all get out.

Anywho.

So I am taking a brief hiatus from the studying I've been doing for hours and hours to write a short blog post. Mostly because I am sick of studying, but also so I can complain.

Something that has recently (like, as of Halloween-ish time) has come to my attention. I think I might be...lonely... Now I say that with reservations as it is a moment to moment changing thing and just kind of comes out of nowhere, only to leave just as quickly as it came. Let me break it down for you.

This Halloween I didn't make any plans whatsoever because a) lame, it was on a Sunday and b) I had a ton of studying to do. But whenever Halloween afternoon came around, I found myself completely alone in my apartment, my books and papers untouched and really just wasting time. I was so...bored and restless that I couldn't sit still to do anything except menial tasks that I didn't really want to do (laundry, showering, cleaning). Then, when I finally sat down to start studying, I was hit with it: loneliness. I hadn't talked to anyone for a few hours, and kept seeing everyone's cool plans on facebook and twitter. I was so sad I didn't have anyone to be with on this stupid holiday that all I could do was stare at my phone, willing for it to ring or beep from someone, anyone. Then I sort of came to and called my mom, simply to find out what she was doing that night for Halloween. All it took was a simple "Come home!" from her, and I was in my car, guiltily bringing my books with me to "study."

Now, sure, that looks a lot like boredom, but really I was just so smacked in the face with the fact that I am technically very alone ( I mean this relationship-wise) and honestly, this is a first for me.

I love not having a boyfriend or dating-guy or really, a crush, since whenever I have anything like that, I am so eager to get out of it. Seriously, I think there might be something wrong with me. I LOVE being alone, having no one to answer to (besides my mom and I guess myself) and doing whatever I want whenever I want. I always have, I think because when I was growing up, there was always someone around, so it was a rare, cherished moment to be alone. When I first got to college, I had roommates who were always around or friends over, so still, alone time was my absolute favorite. But now...I am alone, a lot.

Like today, basically since 9 a.m., I have been alone, because I have been studying for these two huge tests I have tomorrow and Thursday. Which, really was fine. It was just that every once and awhile, I'd get this gut-wrenching, slap in the face with loneliness.

Honestly, I think it's only because it's a first for me, really. Like I said, I love love love my alone time, and for now, wouldn't want it any other way. I have had too many friends get into serious relationships and not be ready for them, and I do not want that in any way. It's almost nice, because it means that sooner rather than later, I'll be ready to be in an actual relationship. Yikes, okay.

Sorry, my brain is more than a bit fried, thanks to professors being jerks and assigning tests at the same time. It's just odd for me to be lonely, since I always prided myself on being able to be alone and perfectly happy. Sigh, I suppose it's just a part of growing up? Well, time to get back to endless anthropology notes and communication flashcards. Thanks to those (mom) who took the time to read!


P.S. Don't worry, you fix the whole lonely thing for me.

Dang it!

I did it again! Nearly three weeks and nothin' on the blog. Oh, well, away we go.


So I don't think I've mentioned it on this yet, but I don't like one of my roommates. Like, really don't like her. She's rude and inconsiderate, messy and defensive about her mess. Basically, she's the dictionary definition of a bad roommate. About a month after we moved into our apartment, she and I had.it.out. Serious confrontation. She had gone into my room when I was at church to turn off my lamp without my permission, after I had asked all my roommates to please ask before going in when I'm not here. So I got snippy and told her that was not okay by me and to not do it again. A few hours later, I'm in the kitchen and she comes in and starts yelling at me about so much conflict she's had with me so I calmly and somewhat coolly address all her complaints. Since then, it hasn't necessarily been smooth sailing, but it's been better and I find she annoys me less.

My other two roommates on the other hand, HATE her, with a somewhat intense passion. She does treat them differently than she treats me, mostly because I think she's afraid of me and because I addressed our conflict early on. Yeah, she's still super obnoxious and downright intrusive at times (she's a knocker-and-walker, even on my bathroom...) But still, I have a lot of patience with her because I mostly think of her as an immature child that simply needs a little bit of guidance. However, my two roommates, whom I really love, cannot stand her and can't wait to get out of this apartment. So whenever they are complaining about her, I find myself sort of defending her, saying she's not that bad, it's just who she is and then they give me funny faces and keep on venting.

I've noticed this is sort of my habit. I am an empathizer to the max. I can feel bad for just about anyone, regardless of how they act towards me. I can see any opposite side of the argument, almost to a fault. It goes beyond being compassionate, I genuinely carry people's sadness with me. It's honestly why I can't get involved with helping charities or volunteering for pretty much anything, because the second I legitimately think about those in need, I am overwhelmed. By sadness, by hurt, by grief that their situation is less than...anything really. Seriously, even just an ambulance rushing by, I say a quick prayer and wait for the sirens to fade before I can move again, and it's too much. It is definitely selfish and downright mean, but I just can't bring myself to expand my realm of service past immediate loved ones. Even then, sometimes I feel so burdened by all the pain, I can't even cry because I feel like I'm torn in two.

I have no idea why I'm like this. I suppose it's a sort of a defense mechanism, but like put onto others? Because, say what you want about me, that's fine. But anyone else? Back off. I feel a lump in my throat every time anyone around me is threatened. Even my Spanish professor, who I really didn't like at first, the minute the rest of the class starts to not like her, I feel a rush of admiration and respect. It's so backwards and usually gets me way too many dirty looks, but I just can't stand by and see/hear people getting bashed when they can't defend themselves. I don't always defend them back, but I always feel the pain for them.

But of course, there is an upside to this. I have become unbelievably optimistic about the most random things. I have almost a naive innocence that the good will prevail over anything, that everyone will be fine and the world won't end. Really, it's more for my survival and sanity than anything else, but it fortunately extends past that for everything else as well. Sure, I tear up in the middle of class because of a book I finished 3 days ago and yeah, it's given me somewhat of a quick temper, but I would shoulder the burden a hundred times over than be an emotionless.

Oh, also, it's why I cry so much and so hard during movies, books and even a good song, because I feel the other persons emotions so fully, I'm overwhelmed by whatever they are so clearly feeling. That can get really obnoxious.


P.S. At least when I say, "I understand," it's almost always because I really, really do.

Hm. Well, that's nice.

I just finished completely scrubbing down my entire apartment. Like my bathtub, the entire floor with cleaner with bleach, every surface and even the refrigerator. It's sort of become my Sunday ritual to really clean the place before the week ahead, mostly so I can't use it as an excuse to avoid my work.


Okay, was that BORING enough for you!?!?

I have a bit of a dilemma. I still think I'm doing this whole college thing incorrectly. As I flip through people's pictures on facebook and see their crazy, wild (usually alcohol induced) adventures, I wonder why I don't do that. I don't feel the need whatsoever to find the best parties, have the coolest friends, or be tagged in the craziest of albums. I don't feel more comfortable surrounded by 5o strangers who are having "the best time." I don't even want to be super hipster and have the perfect camera/pants/shoes/eyewear.

It's like I skipped a step. In high school, I did whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. Of course, for me, it was incredibly tame and more often than not I was home by 12:15, because my best friend had a curfew at midnight. Plus I was so worn out by theatre, most of the time I couldn't even stay awake past 11. And now, I'm here. Sitting in my apartment, writing up to do lists and going over my various classes and appointments for the week. I have post-its surrounding me full of reminders of what homework I have and stuff I can't forget, like bills and groceries. I'm calm and happy, proud of my clean apartment and organized school stuff.

Now, I know I just wrote a post saying how I'm not a grown up yet, and that's still true. But it's almost like I am trying so hard to not be a kid, that's I'm forgetting to be a college kid. What's worse is that I am perfectly content with that. In fact, as I look at people's pictures, I don't feel the least bit of envy towards them. Sure, they probably had a blast and will remember those nights for years to come. But that's not me. It never was and I honestly hope it never is. I've never been comfortable at parties and much prefer a coffee date or dinner and the movies. It's just who I am. So those kids who are "doing college right" can keep their late nights, hungover mornings, and wild adventures. I'd much rather do what I want than to pretend I want to do what they want to do.

Sure, I still feel like I'm missing out a bit, but it's more like I'm forgetting to do something or like I misplaced something. It's a vague, nagging feeling at the back of my mind that I will eventually forget about and move on to do something I actually want to do, like starting a new book or watching a movie with my roommate. It's what makes me happy. I'll still look through Facebook albums and wonder what I would have done had I been the one in the pictures, but it's more just something to do, not something I'd want to be a part of.

P.S. Am I wrong? Am I missing out?

Oh, man.

For the past week, I have written on my to-do list to write a blog, because I figure it had been a bit too long since I had last written one. Little did I know that it had been THREE WEEKS since I wrote a blog. I am so very sorry, readers, shan't happen again.

Of course, I have a very valid reason for the lack of blog love...

I am sooo busy!

Seriously though, this is busiest I have ever been in my college career. This past summer, it was so non-stop moving, working and just doing that I would spend the precious free moments I had longing for the carefree, easy days of fall semester. Boy howdy, was I wrong! First of all, it's a lot harder. When I was in high school, it was all about how difficult junior year was and blah blah blah, but oh my gosh, those kids don't even know what hit them. Junior year in college is a mix of all those annoying classes you didn't want to take, but have to and the really hard classes that are for your major that you need to get out of the way to take the fun classes for your major. A.K.A. A very stressed and strung out Emma.

Let me break it down for you:

Spanish II: It will mostly likely be downfall. Tonight marks the first night I will have to study into the wee hours as I have a test tomorrow for this class and I legitimately have NO idea what is going on. It's shudder worthy

Anthropology + Lab: The lecture class, in a word, rocks. My professor is British and preciously matches all of her clothes to the extreme. Yeah, the work is hard, but it's not too bad. The lab on the other hand....wow. Just, wow. Next week is my osteology quiz in which I have to know all the bones in the body. WHAT!? I am an ENGLISH major! Urgh...

Critical Theory for English majors: Eh, pretty blah actually. The professor is kind of a weird dude with a very odd teaching style and the works we are studying are equally blah. I mean, who picks the most obscure Henry James to analyze?

American Literature up until 1875: OH, MY GOSH I LOATHE THIS CLASS! This professor has the most ridiculous teaching style ever. It is a class of 250 and required for several majors, and yet he feels the need to make it a discussion class. So he races all over the giant auditorium with a microphone so people who have no idea what they are talking about can give some random opinion on whatever piece we were supposed to read the night before. For an 1 hour and 20 minutes exactly. I want to die every Monday and Wednesday. Worst part: the professor is actually really smart and has so much valid information that he rarely gets to tell us because every other person in the class wants to talk. Kill me.

Interpersonal Communications: Favorite class. Brilliant professor, fascinating material, and some decently intelligent people. The time flies whilst I'm there.

Classes aside, I keep busy. I accidentally became a makeshift nanny for someone who I babysat/housesat for a lot this summer, so it's good I have a decent income. I live right next to a church that I went to one Wednesday and then suddenly became so involved I'm there all the time and have actually made some really cool friends. Today marked the first meeting of Comm Club (which I thought would be like Comm Council at UT. I was wrong) and I put my name up for secretary. The newspaper is hiring people and tomorrow I'm going to go over there and submit a few pieces. Plus, I am now really good friends with one of my new roommates and love to spend time hanging out with her whenever we get a chance. All in all, my time is occupied.

Update: over. Whining: commence.

I am so very overwhelmed. I always said I would get involved when I was ready and that I just needed time to adjust. Well, apparently that adjusting took exactly two weeks at my new apartment and I was ready to take over Texas State. With classes becoming more demanding, being on other people's schedules instead of my own, and not even remembering the last time I spent more than 15 minutes with someone who I've known longer than 2 months (not even my mom!), I'm stretched so thin and it's not even the second month of school. I'm having a hard time adjusting and have started suffering for it (see Spanish Test drama above). Even as I sit here, I glance at the clock and realize I need to stop writing, get changed and go to church.

Whining aside though, I like it. Of course, it's so tough and I've never been more challenged in my life, but I know me. It'll take me a few weeks of complaining before I get it all figured out. I've just been so slammed lately with tests and meetings that I haven't been able to do the fun stuff I love, like sleep or call my sisters (who I miss too much, even Mel!) Even in high school, I only had on thing on my plate and that was theatre with a side dish of homework every once in awhile. This is a whole new level of hard work, and yes I do in fact realize that college is SUPPOSED to be this way, but still. It's a lot.

PHEW! I did NOT plan on doing that in this entry. I suppose I just needed to let it out. Thanks, blog. I really appreciate it. And I promise not to show too much neglect from now on.

P.S. It might not seem like it when I'm grumbling like this, but I am happy. Really happy.