Yep. I'm a little bit lonely. It's not even that I'm alone too much. I like being alone, so it's never really a burden. It's just one of those things where when I want to talk to someone, let out a little bit of emotion, it gets harder and harder to make the call. It isn't even just that I don't want to bother anyone, or that people seem to be very busy. I'm just trying not to focus on the pit in my stomach, hoping it will go away.
I finally understand the phrase, "I miss you so much it hurts." It's tragically coming down to that. The burning feeling in my chest when I feel like I could break down in sobs, but I'm generally in a public place so I can't. It can be the smallest thing from a song that makes me think about a certain person or hearing a familiar name called. My current friends are getting quite sick of stories about home or funny events they weren't at. I miss the instantaneous solution I used to get at home. If I missed someone, I would go see them. Or if they were far away, I'd just call or e-mail. It's so different. And that scares me.
Keep in mind, these blogs are an outlet. They are usually at the height of an emotional episode so I'm into these extremes during this peaceful time I get to relax and just write. No need to call the psyche ward. Just yet...It's just taking me longer to find different ways to handle all this. Even just hearing a person's voice after I've spent the whole day reminiscing about something ridiculous won't cure it. Sometimes it makes it worse. But always, I'd rather hear the voice over not hearing it.
It's almost like I'm already stuck in a rut and I'm not even 2 months in. I'm just feeling a little lost, a bit desolate, and slightly like I'm drowning. It's hard to see the hope in all this, but I pray every day for it so I know it'll shine through. Of course, I am so blessed to have people that will be there for me, no matter what. That's always nice.
P.S. When I get really lonely and the distance calls its only silence I think of you smiling with pride in your eyes.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Hello, old friend.
Ah, autumn is approaching so quickly and so very slowly at the same time. If I could pick a favorite season, it would be fall. But I say that about all four so I suppose it doesn't mean much. The other day in class, I unfortunately fell out of focus and started remembering this time last year. So many things wrong, so much trouble, and drama; a memorable time to say the least. I was miserable because of college and theatre but so happy at the same time because through it all, I made a best friend, one I intend to keep for always. It was such a strange time, looking back on it. I fiercely loved and morbidly hated every minute of it and I don't regret it in any way. I just remember it rather clearly and I know there are so many reasons why.
But it's a new month, a new year, and such a new place. I'm still in that hazy impression of life, mostly just going the motions while still trying to understand how very quickly my life is moving forward. I'm in college, for goodness' sake. If anything, I wish I could go back to tell myself that in just a few short months, all of that would be nothing but a distant memory of such intense emotions and events. Someone I occasionally consider a little too smart told me that I should focus on today; it's my blessing and all I should heed any attention to. I think I'm starting to practice that instead of just living in theory as is my norm. And of course, thanking Him along every line.
Although, as hard as I try to live in the now (how mod!), I'm still counting down. It's a habit of mine I've been trying to break since I realized I had it. Counting down till holidays, till I see people, till everything is okay and a thousand other nameless things that I should just wait for patiently rather than marking off day by day. It's ridiculous to live like that and I'm surprised that I'm beginning to slow down with it. The good thing about college is you have so much time to focus on you and yourself. It's turning out to be exactly what the doctor ordered.
So as this month launches itself upon us all, I accept it as graciously as possible and just focus on being able to juggle all the things being thrown at me. I'm still riding the roller coaster that I seem to never be able to get off of, but I'm starting to realize I wouldn't want it any other way. I seem to be finally able to enjoy the ride, as hectic and crazy as it is. For now, I'm good. So it's good. Now all I truly have to focus on is that paper due next week...
P.S. Hold your own, know your name, and go your own way. Everything will be fine.
But it's a new month, a new year, and such a new place. I'm still in that hazy impression of life, mostly just going the motions while still trying to understand how very quickly my life is moving forward. I'm in college, for goodness' sake. If anything, I wish I could go back to tell myself that in just a few short months, all of that would be nothing but a distant memory of such intense emotions and events. Someone I occasionally consider a little too smart told me that I should focus on today; it's my blessing and all I should heed any attention to. I think I'm starting to practice that instead of just living in theory as is my norm. And of course, thanking Him along every line.
Although, as hard as I try to live in the now (how mod!), I'm still counting down. It's a habit of mine I've been trying to break since I realized I had it. Counting down till holidays, till I see people, till everything is okay and a thousand other nameless things that I should just wait for patiently rather than marking off day by day. It's ridiculous to live like that and I'm surprised that I'm beginning to slow down with it. The good thing about college is you have so much time to focus on you and yourself. It's turning out to be exactly what the doctor ordered.
So as this month launches itself upon us all, I accept it as graciously as possible and just focus on being able to juggle all the things being thrown at me. I'm still riding the roller coaster that I seem to never be able to get off of, but I'm starting to realize I wouldn't want it any other way. I seem to be finally able to enjoy the ride, as hectic and crazy as it is. For now, I'm good. So it's good. Now all I truly have to focus on is that paper due next week...
P.S. Hold your own, know your name, and go your own way. Everything will be fine.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
It's a Swell Season
So. This weekend was truly amazing. ACL was better than I'd expected because the line-up at first glance didn't seem so great. Turned out to be better than great; it was one of the best musical experiences I've ever encountered. Unfortunately, I'm still recovering from all the walking and sun exposure. I can't believe how tired I still am! Sometimes, I'm such an old lady it worries me. I'm in college, for goodness sake. I should be able to go on few hours of sleep, right? Ah, well. Probably for the best.
Oh, and as for the title of this post, The Swell Season was my favorite band that performed. I was that girl who was in the very front row, completely entranced by their performance. If you've seen the movie Once, you know what I'm talking about. They did that very rare and specific thing that happens to me sometimes when I listen to music; they magically captured all these crazy emotions I feel and neatly put them into beautiful harmonies and poetic lyrics. It was the most unique experience I have felt with music for a long time and I couldn't be more in awe of it.
The only drawback a near-perfect weekend though was coming home. I felt strangely out of place in my self-made haven. It feel so incredibly weird to come back to here after having had such a wonderful time somewhere else. I'm still not used to it, almost three days later. I feel like I'm just visiting my now-home. It's making things more difficult to get back into my old routine. I'm praying it will pass very quickly.
Other than that, just same ole', same ole'. Just, wow, amazing weekend and then having to comeback to tests, papers, and all around craziness. I wish it was time for a vacation. Okay, I'm starting to get distracted. I should get out while the fire's hot. I don't know if that's an actual saying...Kbye.
P.S. I don't know what to say anymore. I'm sorry.
Oh, and as for the title of this post, The Swell Season was my favorite band that performed. I was that girl who was in the very front row, completely entranced by their performance. If you've seen the movie Once, you know what I'm talking about. They did that very rare and specific thing that happens to me sometimes when I listen to music; they magically captured all these crazy emotions I feel and neatly put them into beautiful harmonies and poetic lyrics. It was the most unique experience I have felt with music for a long time and I couldn't be more in awe of it.
The only drawback a near-perfect weekend though was coming home. I felt strangely out of place in my self-made haven. It feel so incredibly weird to come back to here after having had such a wonderful time somewhere else. I'm still not used to it, almost three days later. I feel like I'm just visiting my now-home. It's making things more difficult to get back into my old routine. I'm praying it will pass very quickly.
Other than that, just same ole', same ole'. Just, wow, amazing weekend and then having to comeback to tests, papers, and all around craziness. I wish it was time for a vacation. Okay, I'm starting to get distracted. I should get out while the fire's hot. I don't know if that's an actual saying...Kbye.
P.S. I don't know what to say anymore. I'm sorry.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
This is why I can't be a writer!
I never know what to talk about! I will get these brilliant ideas throughout the day, but as soon as I sit down to my blog, they all vanish. I'm currently staring out my window in my pajamas and watching the butterflies migrate (which is really cool actually). This is why I've never been able to continue a journal for more than just a few entries. Everything that happens in my daily life seems so uninteresting when written down. Like today, the most interesting thing that happened to me was I forgot a pencil when I went to take my politics test and had to ask about 20 people until some guy let me have one. Yeah. Big drama.
It's all just started to become routine. Which is good. I like a nice routine. It's just... I look back at the previous entries and see how new and exciting things kept happening and how I didn't have to even mention pencil drama because real stuff actually took precedent. The good old days... Well, I suppose there isn't much more to say. This post has become a complete rant so I really should put a quick end to it.
Today was alright, I suppose. I had the First Test in one of my classes, proving the definition of its name. It was rather awful, but I'm praying for a B? Maybe? Ah, well. The joys of college. Again, not much to say on the pitiable events that make up my current life. Of course, this weekend will be... beyond an event. I know it will be the highlight of my autumn season. Austin City Limits Festival will prove to be the absolute best of the best when it comes to weekends, I'm sure. Needless to say, I am excited. Expect pictures.
Alright, I feel I've bored what few readers I have to near death and as that would be exceedingly tragical, I'll try and quit before I'm far too ahead. Thanks again, if you go to this point. And apologize for any inconvenience. I hope the next entry to be exciting.
P.S. As boring as my life is, I hope yours is far more interesting.
It's all just started to become routine. Which is good. I like a nice routine. It's just... I look back at the previous entries and see how new and exciting things kept happening and how I didn't have to even mention pencil drama because real stuff actually took precedent. The good old days... Well, I suppose there isn't much more to say. This post has become a complete rant so I really should put a quick end to it.
Today was alright, I suppose. I had the First Test in one of my classes, proving the definition of its name. It was rather awful, but I'm praying for a B? Maybe? Ah, well. The joys of college. Again, not much to say on the pitiable events that make up my current life. Of course, this weekend will be... beyond an event. I know it will be the highlight of my autumn season. Austin City Limits Festival will prove to be the absolute best of the best when it comes to weekends, I'm sure. Needless to say, I am excited. Expect pictures.
Alright, I feel I've bored what few readers I have to near death and as that would be exceedingly tragical, I'll try and quit before I'm far too ahead. Thanks again, if you go to this point. And apologize for any inconvenience. I hope the next entry to be exciting.
P.S. As boring as my life is, I hope yours is far more interesting.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Fear and Loathing in San Antonio
Okay, that's an extreme title for a post, but we've been learning about attention grabbers in Freshmen Composition. Did it work?
But as extreme as it is, it's also slightly true, to some degree. First part: Fear. I am so afraid. I'm afraid of not doing well. I'm afraid of being the only one left at UTSA while everyone else moves on to UT. I'm afraid of not making friends. I'm afraid of strangers talking to me. I'm afraid of being afraid. Oh, and I'm afraid of the dark still. I though that would go away. But as afraid as I am (it can get overwhelming sometimes), it doesn't surpass all the more positive emotions I'm feeling about all of this. Yeah, I'm afraid of doing poorly in classes, but I'm so eager to be learning in some of them that it almost makes me laugh. I've even found the common sense enough to know that even if I don't make it back to UT next year, it is far from the end of the world. So yeah, I'm really scared. But who isn't? It's college.
As for the loathing, that is definitely an extreme. What I'm feeling isn't really loathing at all. It's a combo of different emotions that sometimes add up to loathing but not loathing towards one direct thing (although, I could possibly loathe my Freshmen comp professor...). I'm still sad about missing friends and family. There is still the nervous tension about being in new places with new people. I am also know for getting frustrated easily over the littlest things, like forgotten assignments or scheduling problems. But just like with the fear, the positive things are far superior to the not so nice things.
So when it comes right down to it, I'm okay. I may not be ridiculously happy all the times, but I'm finding a good balance, one I can accept easily. And that, for me, is a good example of doing well.
In closing (too much time in lectures?), I also want to thank everyone who actually reads this. You have no idea how much it means to me that you take a few minutes out of your day or week to just check on me. It feels so incredibly nice. So thanks. I love you guys, too.
P.S. I hope you are doing well also, and will tell me when you're not.
But as extreme as it is, it's also slightly true, to some degree. First part: Fear. I am so afraid. I'm afraid of not doing well. I'm afraid of being the only one left at UTSA while everyone else moves on to UT. I'm afraid of not making friends. I'm afraid of strangers talking to me. I'm afraid of being afraid. Oh, and I'm afraid of the dark still. I though that would go away. But as afraid as I am (it can get overwhelming sometimes), it doesn't surpass all the more positive emotions I'm feeling about all of this. Yeah, I'm afraid of doing poorly in classes, but I'm so eager to be learning in some of them that it almost makes me laugh. I've even found the common sense enough to know that even if I don't make it back to UT next year, it is far from the end of the world. So yeah, I'm really scared. But who isn't? It's college.
As for the loathing, that is definitely an extreme. What I'm feeling isn't really loathing at all. It's a combo of different emotions that sometimes add up to loathing but not loathing towards one direct thing (although, I could possibly loathe my Freshmen comp professor...). I'm still sad about missing friends and family. There is still the nervous tension about being in new places with new people. I am also know for getting frustrated easily over the littlest things, like forgotten assignments or scheduling problems. But just like with the fear, the positive things are far superior to the not so nice things.
So when it comes right down to it, I'm okay. I may not be ridiculously happy all the times, but I'm finding a good balance, one I can accept easily. And that, for me, is a good example of doing well.
In closing (too much time in lectures?), I also want to thank everyone who actually reads this. You have no idea how much it means to me that you take a few minutes out of your day or week to just check on me. It feels so incredibly nice. So thanks. I love you guys, too.
P.S. I hope you are doing well also, and will tell me when you're not.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Wait...asbestos?
Okay, so I haven't written in this for awhile but I have fairly good reason. Nothing has really been happening. I mean, stuff is happening but I suppose I'm having a bout of writer's block. Well, here's a basic breakdown I suppose.
So I went home this weekend. It was alright, but I'm still feeling that tug that I haven't completely made a transition. I know I shouldn't go home for awhile to really make the final cut off of "Going to College." But there some really good parts (FEFC can save my life), but there were also equally bad parts (burnt cookies...) and the bad parts made me realize I have a better chance of actually enjoying going home more if I do it less.
Also, I visited a group of friends that I knew in theatre and that are still in high school. We spent hours catching up and filling each other in and then it really hit me; I'm starting to forget the bad and miss the good. It happens a lot to me, actually. I block out all the horrendous things that might have happened and focus solely on the good parts that I liked. For high school, I thought that would be impossible because the two parts were too extreme. But I surprised myself by remember the fun parts of high school and long for those days again. I hope it's just a passing phase because I refuse to go back to Bowie.
Oh yeah, and Carson and I might have a moldy dorm room due to a leak from a constantly running toilet. UTSA Maintenance have proved to be less that perfect as they have taken 5 days to even come deal with it, even though we have pestered them to no end (yes, we dealt with it on our own). That's another fun little part of college, I suppose.
Ah, okay, I'm pretty sure the writer's block is still kicking, but I just wanted to write a little something so my blog doesn't feel abandoned or anything. When something actually interesting happens, I'll be sure to add a new post.
P.S. You are and always have been one of the most interesting parts of my life.
So I went home this weekend. It was alright, but I'm still feeling that tug that I haven't completely made a transition. I know I shouldn't go home for awhile to really make the final cut off of "Going to College." But there some really good parts (FEFC can save my life), but there were also equally bad parts (burnt cookies...) and the bad parts made me realize I have a better chance of actually enjoying going home more if I do it less.
Also, I visited a group of friends that I knew in theatre and that are still in high school. We spent hours catching up and filling each other in and then it really hit me; I'm starting to forget the bad and miss the good. It happens a lot to me, actually. I block out all the horrendous things that might have happened and focus solely on the good parts that I liked. For high school, I thought that would be impossible because the two parts were too extreme. But I surprised myself by remember the fun parts of high school and long for those days again. I hope it's just a passing phase because I refuse to go back to Bowie.
Oh yeah, and Carson and I might have a moldy dorm room due to a leak from a constantly running toilet. UTSA Maintenance have proved to be less that perfect as they have taken 5 days to even come deal with it, even though we have pestered them to no end (yes, we dealt with it on our own). That's another fun little part of college, I suppose.
Ah, okay, I'm pretty sure the writer's block is still kicking, but I just wanted to write a little something so my blog doesn't feel abandoned or anything. When something actually interesting happens, I'll be sure to add a new post.
P.S. You are and always have been one of the most interesting parts of my life.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Je crois que je l'aim
Tonight a few friends and I went to go see a European Film Festival at the local movie theatre down the road. It was a free festival, but donations were going to the Red Cross to help with Hurricane Ike (which I gave money to, because I currently loathe that stupid hurricane). We watched two movies, one in French (title above) and an Italian one. They were both beautiful films, but they both made me a little sad, almost hesitant about liking them.
The reason for this inexplicable melancholy about silly movies is that I'm desperate to travel. I want to see every little bit of the world and I am finding it hard to wait to do it. Ever since I went to the UK last summer and probably even before that, I have been itching to see new places and experience everything. Watching those movies and seeing those cultures just made it almost unbearable that I am currently stuck in San Antonio, Texas. I know it's probably just adolescent impatience, but every time I am bored out of my mind, I daydream about hopping on a plane and heading anywhere, everywhere.
I know all that blah blah about how I will have plenty of time to travel when I'm older, but I'm still borderline hysterical for the need to stretch my legs in a place where I am so out of my element. I'm realizing now this completely contradicts my previous blog, but something about being an airplane ride away from where I live justifies it. Okay, this blog is becoming a little less structured than the rest, but it is getting late. Bottom line: I wish I had my passport right now to jet set to Brazil, Spain, Germany, Fiji, or anywhere else I've never been. I need to see the world and I want to see it now.
P.S. I want to travel the whole world with you
The reason for this inexplicable melancholy about silly movies is that I'm desperate to travel. I want to see every little bit of the world and I am finding it hard to wait to do it. Ever since I went to the UK last summer and probably even before that, I have been itching to see new places and experience everything. Watching those movies and seeing those cultures just made it almost unbearable that I am currently stuck in San Antonio, Texas. I know it's probably just adolescent impatience, but every time I am bored out of my mind, I daydream about hopping on a plane and heading anywhere, everywhere.
I know all that blah blah about how I will have plenty of time to travel when I'm older, but I'm still borderline hysterical for the need to stretch my legs in a place where I am so out of my element. I'm realizing now this completely contradicts my previous blog, but something about being an airplane ride away from where I live justifies it. Okay, this blog is becoming a little less structured than the rest, but it is getting late. Bottom line: I wish I had my passport right now to jet set to Brazil, Spain, Germany, Fiji, or anywhere else I've never been. I need to see the world and I want to see it now.
P.S. I want to travel the whole world with you
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