So I am currently attempting to break a 15 year old habit of biting my nails. I've tried this countless times before with no success, but for some reason I have extra hope for this most recent venture. It could be the way I'm actually trying to do it (I'm putting on liberal amounts of clear nail polish so instead of biting them, I just pick off the nail polish; gross, but it's worked so far). It could also have to do with the fact that I'm tired of having chewed up fingers and the inability to get a manicure. All in all, I think it mostly has to do with the reality that I need a better way to take out my stress and boredom. Plus I'm tired of my mom smacking my hand every time it gets near my mouth.
I suppose this whole endeavor is somewhat symbolic, as most resolutions are. They're all about change and challenging yourself to do things you wouldn't normally do, which is exactly what I am trying to do. Okay, so I'm starting small but if you know me, you realize that if I can stop biting my nails, it's kind of epic. So nails first, world peace later.
So as I pick at my finger nails and repaint them about 3 times a day (poor carson, our dorm constantly smells of nail polish), I am climbing hills and attempting the almost unreachable. Luckily, I have hope for the better. Maybe that's the whole reason for a New Year's resolution, to teach you to hope for something that you haven't even wanted to try in the past. I know I am learning quite a bit about self control (I don't know if you guys realize how intense this whole process is) and can finally look down at my hands without being slightly disgusted. Well, here's to the hope that I can change for the best and have the satisfaction of tapping my nails on something, anything.
P.S. I hope you achieve all your resolutions, whatever they may be.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Procrastination Station: Destination Emmatown!
Okay, let me begin with an incredibly sincere apology to the waves of people reading this. I am really, really sorry that I have let this blog fall through the cracks. It was never my intention, and I hope none of you were offended by my delay of a new post.
Haha, no, but seriously. I am sorry. Being at home was rather...uninspiring as another blogger I know so eloquently put. I mean, it was a very heavily needed break, but as I spent most of the month on my couch watching HBO movies over and over again, all the while deciding whether I could go that third day without washing my hair, I didn't think many of that needed to put in an entry. It did have its ups and downs, but what event in life doesn't? There were even times where being back with everyone was truly surreal and borderline unbearable. In the end, though it turned out to be exactly what I needed. A touch of perspective and a huge anticipation to return helped the days go by and lead my back to where I am now, literally and figuratively. But more to the point, people had to suffer for my lack of posts which is why I hope to make amends tonight and hopefully put up a valid enough report on what has been going on in my day to day life.
So classes started again, a full WEEK before most people had to go back, but luckily, I've chosen not to dwell on that and just accept the fact that I am jumping headlong into my spring semester of my freshmen year. It started out rocky, like many things in life, but it evened out enough that I could see the potential in everything that is going on. I feel myself on that track that everyone is always talking about, just riding along, taking everything that the Lord decides to throw on it. A close friend told a story the other day about how having a willing heart led her the right way, and I've been trying to do the same this week as classes begin and realize an 8 a.m. math class isn't for me. Ah, it helps having someone to rely on through everything and anything.
But as for the rest of the on-goings of my life, not much has happened. I envied those who got to stay longer at home, but then I realized it's a holiday weekend so I'm going home in two days, so it turns out to not be a dilemma at all. I don't know what to say really, except that I think everything that seem so jumbled just a few days ago had a new light shone on it with my leaving town. So I think I'll just take everything as it is and really hope for the best. I know I'm in good hands. Hope you'll all stay tuned to see how it all turns out.
P.S. It's really good to know you're right next to me on this train called Life.
Haha, no, but seriously. I am sorry. Being at home was rather...uninspiring as another blogger I know so eloquently put. I mean, it was a very heavily needed break, but as I spent most of the month on my couch watching HBO movies over and over again, all the while deciding whether I could go that third day without washing my hair, I didn't think many of that needed to put in an entry. It did have its ups and downs, but what event in life doesn't? There were even times where being back with everyone was truly surreal and borderline unbearable. In the end, though it turned out to be exactly what I needed. A touch of perspective and a huge anticipation to return helped the days go by and lead my back to where I am now, literally and figuratively. But more to the point, people had to suffer for my lack of posts which is why I hope to make amends tonight and hopefully put up a valid enough report on what has been going on in my day to day life.
So classes started again, a full WEEK before most people had to go back, but luckily, I've chosen not to dwell on that and just accept the fact that I am jumping headlong into my spring semester of my freshmen year. It started out rocky, like many things in life, but it evened out enough that I could see the potential in everything that is going on. I feel myself on that track that everyone is always talking about, just riding along, taking everything that the Lord decides to throw on it. A close friend told a story the other day about how having a willing heart led her the right way, and I've been trying to do the same this week as classes begin and realize an 8 a.m. math class isn't for me. Ah, it helps having someone to rely on through everything and anything.
But as for the rest of the on-goings of my life, not much has happened. I envied those who got to stay longer at home, but then I realized it's a holiday weekend so I'm going home in two days, so it turns out to not be a dilemma at all. I don't know what to say really, except that I think everything that seem so jumbled just a few days ago had a new light shone on it with my leaving town. So I think I'll just take everything as it is and really hope for the best. I know I'm in good hands. Hope you'll all stay tuned to see how it all turns out.
P.S. It's really good to know you're right next to me on this train called Life.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
You do what you can.
So I thought it wise to write a quick blog before I go into the self-induced study coma for finals. That is at the top of the list of madness that seems to love to take part of my life. But it's almost a relief to know I have to ignore half of everything and just focus on the tumultuous tasks ahead. It's almost a surreal experience to already be scheduling study times when it feels like the semester started yesterday. I can clearly remember move in day and yet here I sit 3 and half months later.
Tonight at dinner, a friend of mine was talking about how we're just about half way finished with our freshmen year. It seems to be flying by and it seems to be scaring me more than I think it should. Of course, I can almost see everyone reading this and shaking their heads who have gone through this already and call me foolish, but it really feels like this is all happening too fast. It's not just classes and everything, which I have a surprisingly firm grip on. It's also all this change that seems to be happening to me. A good friend of mine and I were talking over this thanksgiving break and she was telling me about how much she's grown as a person over these few months and I realized that I was in the same boat. Some might not be able to tell (I didn't until she mentioned it), but I am not the same person I was when I first came here.
I suppose I've sort of known as it happens. Whenever I would hang out with friends, I started noticing I wasn't really having fun, and was almost bored with everything going on. I couldn't really figure out why what had satisfied me over the summer and before wasn't cutting it for me now. This break was an excellent example of what I hadn't realized I was looking for; amazing company, even better conversation, and just having the chance to be with people I loved that loved me without having to worry about drama or other pointless ventures.
Of course, this is all still transitional. I'm still the very silly, weird kid that I hope you all know and love. It just so happens that I'm growing up a little and finding myself very thankful to certain people for letting me know that it's okay to do so. I really hope that's okay with everyone and that maybe you're seeing the changes too.
I also hope this blog offers enough to last awhile since I most likely won't have time to do another for a few weeks. Thank you, final exams. I am thinking of you all and hope you think of me as well as I fight my way through my first bout of college finals. It will an intense battle, one I cannot wait to be over with.
P.S. Since I know I don't say it enough, thank you. For everything. I love you.
Tonight at dinner, a friend of mine was talking about how we're just about half way finished with our freshmen year. It seems to be flying by and it seems to be scaring me more than I think it should. Of course, I can almost see everyone reading this and shaking their heads who have gone through this already and call me foolish, but it really feels like this is all happening too fast. It's not just classes and everything, which I have a surprisingly firm grip on. It's also all this change that seems to be happening to me. A good friend of mine and I were talking over this thanksgiving break and she was telling me about how much she's grown as a person over these few months and I realized that I was in the same boat. Some might not be able to tell (I didn't until she mentioned it), but I am not the same person I was when I first came here.
I suppose I've sort of known as it happens. Whenever I would hang out with friends, I started noticing I wasn't really having fun, and was almost bored with everything going on. I couldn't really figure out why what had satisfied me over the summer and before wasn't cutting it for me now. This break was an excellent example of what I hadn't realized I was looking for; amazing company, even better conversation, and just having the chance to be with people I loved that loved me without having to worry about drama or other pointless ventures.
Of course, this is all still transitional. I'm still the very silly, weird kid that I hope you all know and love. It just so happens that I'm growing up a little and finding myself very thankful to certain people for letting me know that it's okay to do so. I really hope that's okay with everyone and that maybe you're seeing the changes too.
I also hope this blog offers enough to last awhile since I most likely won't have time to do another for a few weeks. Thank you, final exams. I am thinking of you all and hope you think of me as well as I fight my way through my first bout of college finals. It will an intense battle, one I cannot wait to be over with.
P.S. Since I know I don't say it enough, thank you. For everything. I love you.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Tryptophanin'
Ah, Thanksgiving day is coming to a close and the above seems to be happening to me. I don't know how I'm going to handle the early bird shopping, but we'll have to see what happens. As night comes, I'm reveling in the realization of all that I'm thankful for. I love how the day is basically just one long prayer to everything that you are blessed with. Friends, family, just about everything comes into sharp focus with a side of delicious stuffing or maybe some cranberry compote. It's nice to know that everyone around you is taking all this into account and giving thanks for it. That is why this holiday is my favorite. You can't help but embrace all the love and sharing going on. It's what I like to give special thanks for. I'm sorry this entry will be so brief, but my bed seems to be calling my name and the turkey in my body is demanding my immediate sleep. So to everyone reading, I am thankful for you. I hope you know how blessed I am just to have you in my life. I love you and hope you had a good Thanksgiving. Goodnight, all!
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Burnin' up for you, baby.
Ah, today is nearly over. Sort of, it seems so much later than it actually is, but since my day started at 6:30 a.m. this morning, it's okay.
What, might you ask, brought me from my warm and toasty bed so very early this morning? That would be Class Registration which happened to open at 7:00 a.m. so I really had no choice but to drag my bleary self to my computer to deal with 12 server crashes (Yes, 12!) and complete chaos when the sun was just barely starting to rise. Hah, I used to be a morning person. Anyway, the moral of this story is that my early bird-ness worked because I got into all the classes I wanted. The relief was so intense I couldn't go back to sleep and found out how good the breakfast is at the Cafe at 8:30 in the morning. A first for me.
But what all this means to me was also a shock that I wasn't expecting. I think I'm burned out. I mean, I've heard of college freshmen having to deal with a lot of things but, except for the heavier workload, I thought I was doing okay for myself. But as the Thanksgiving holiday quickly approaches, I realize I am far too excited for the rest and relaxation that comes with it. Signing up for these classes made me realize how very finished I am with this semester. It isn't even that I'm that fed up with my classes (which I admit I am a little bit), I really just want a change, something to break this constant go, go, go. Even on the weekends, it's all about stuffing in the same amount of time with people as I used to have so rest is a rare commodity. As the semester comes to a close, I'm almost afraid of the ecstatic feeling I'm starting to get when a professor mentions a final.
So as this extreme change of routine comes around, I feel more accepting that I have in the past then my world turning upside down. I'm ready to not be a freshmen anymore and so unbelievably thankful that I'm almost half way to that point where I'm not. And oddly enough, my focus intensifies as I've recently found out that helps with dealing with the weeks ahead. I just can't wait to spring into second semester (pun intended).
P.S. I hope you're hanging on, just like I am.
What, might you ask, brought me from my warm and toasty bed so very early this morning? That would be Class Registration which happened to open at 7:00 a.m. so I really had no choice but to drag my bleary self to my computer to deal with 12 server crashes (Yes, 12!) and complete chaos when the sun was just barely starting to rise. Hah, I used to be a morning person. Anyway, the moral of this story is that my early bird-ness worked because I got into all the classes I wanted. The relief was so intense I couldn't go back to sleep and found out how good the breakfast is at the Cafe at 8:30 in the morning. A first for me.
But what all this means to me was also a shock that I wasn't expecting. I think I'm burned out. I mean, I've heard of college freshmen having to deal with a lot of things but, except for the heavier workload, I thought I was doing okay for myself. But as the Thanksgiving holiday quickly approaches, I realize I am far too excited for the rest and relaxation that comes with it. Signing up for these classes made me realize how very finished I am with this semester. It isn't even that I'm that fed up with my classes (which I admit I am a little bit), I really just want a change, something to break this constant go, go, go. Even on the weekends, it's all about stuffing in the same amount of time with people as I used to have so rest is a rare commodity. As the semester comes to a close, I'm almost afraid of the ecstatic feeling I'm starting to get when a professor mentions a final.
So as this extreme change of routine comes around, I feel more accepting that I have in the past then my world turning upside down. I'm ready to not be a freshmen anymore and so unbelievably thankful that I'm almost half way to that point where I'm not. And oddly enough, my focus intensifies as I've recently found out that helps with dealing with the weeks ahead. I just can't wait to spring into second semester (pun intended).
P.S. I hope you're hanging on, just like I am.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
What Dreams May Come
Sidenote: My mom wouldn't let me watch that movie when I was young because she knew I'd get scared. Well, I watched it anyway and got scared. Good movie, though.
Last night, or maybe even early this morning, I had a very strange dream. First off, let me start with, I don't like dreams. They're always confusing and I can only remember parts and the parts I do remember, usually mess me up and make me feel weird for the whole day or a few days. But that's another blog entirely. In the most recent dream, I dreamt I went to my old high school to visit my favorite teacher, Ms. Conroy. I went into her class and it was a big emotional reunion type thing. She asked me if I could talk to her class about college and stuff which I did. Then she just left the dream. The bell rang and the class filed out, but Conroy wasn't there. I looked around for awhile, upset that I couldn't see her one last time, but just left, unsatisfied. That is when I woke up, completely jumbled. I hate dreams.
Also, another thing I really dislike about dreams; they always mean something, some subconscious desire or fear. I mean, as an book lover, I should love symbolism. Well, not when it comes to myself. Too weird. Well, I think I have a little bit of this dream figured out (a first for me, usually my dreams are pointless). I think this dream connects the fact that I've been quite sick for the past few days and it makes me feel like I'm back in gradeschool. Also, subconciously, I think I'm missing parts of my high school years immensely, so much they manifest in my dreams. Of course, I do miss my beloved english teacher, but I can't help but realize that she is symbolic for someone else that I'm missing so much. Everything is changing, and it's starting to feel like I didn't get that memo.
Then again, another night will come and I'll have another odd dream that will make me all confused about it. Although, I know in my heart that this dream actually revealed something. The sad part is that it's scaring me more than the worst of nightmares.
P.S. But in your dreams, whatever they may be, dream a little dream of me.
Last night, or maybe even early this morning, I had a very strange dream. First off, let me start with, I don't like dreams. They're always confusing and I can only remember parts and the parts I do remember, usually mess me up and make me feel weird for the whole day or a few days. But that's another blog entirely. In the most recent dream, I dreamt I went to my old high school to visit my favorite teacher, Ms. Conroy. I went into her class and it was a big emotional reunion type thing. She asked me if I could talk to her class about college and stuff which I did. Then she just left the dream. The bell rang and the class filed out, but Conroy wasn't there. I looked around for awhile, upset that I couldn't see her one last time, but just left, unsatisfied. That is when I woke up, completely jumbled. I hate dreams.
Also, another thing I really dislike about dreams; they always mean something, some subconscious desire or fear. I mean, as an book lover, I should love symbolism. Well, not when it comes to myself. Too weird. Well, I think I have a little bit of this dream figured out (a first for me, usually my dreams are pointless). I think this dream connects the fact that I've been quite sick for the past few days and it makes me feel like I'm back in gradeschool. Also, subconciously, I think I'm missing parts of my high school years immensely, so much they manifest in my dreams. Of course, I do miss my beloved english teacher, but I can't help but realize that she is symbolic for someone else that I'm missing so much. Everything is changing, and it's starting to feel like I didn't get that memo.
Then again, another night will come and I'll have another odd dream that will make me all confused about it. Although, I know in my heart that this dream actually revealed something. The sad part is that it's scaring me more than the worst of nightmares.
P.S. But in your dreams, whatever they may be, dream a little dream of me.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Historically Accurate
Well, it's done. We have a new president. I was sitting on the floor with a friend of mine who was too sick to go out when it all happened. I didn't realize till MSNBC cut to the crowds of people cheering in New York, Chicago, and California. My roommate called me, ecstatic, but I found myself subdued. She's always called me cynical, but I just have this feeling that this will all end in tragedy. As much as I hate for that to happen, I give the man even more credit for having the courage and the faith to lead us anyway. I like that. And hate that. But for now, I'll do what our 44th president has been asking of his country for the last year; hope. I challenge you all to do the same. Forgive me for the sparse entry, but I don't believe there's much more to say.
P.S. I know you'll hope. It's what you're best at.
P.S. I know you'll hope. It's what you're best at.
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