It's really quite comical sometimes, what an anomaly I am. Oh, well, here we go.
First of all, it is official. I am going on the Australia program with the school in June. I mean, there's technically still room to back out, but I would lose a lot of money. Plus, there is not one tiny portion of me that doesn't want this. Every single day that gets me closer to it, I get shivers of excitement. Literally, I cannot feel my elbows right now because I'm so excited. Typical, right? Well, let me explain what makes me an anomaly.
I am a terrible traveler. Honestly, I'd even go so far as to say I hate it. Ever since I've been slightly in charge of my own travels (which, sadly, have been very sparse) I suck at it. I get so unbelievable anxious and stressed, months in advance. Before I went on my UK trip, I used to have these crazy, vivid nightmares that I'd show up in London, completely alone and without a suitcase or money. I just can't help thinking about the worst possible outcomes over and over in my head. And I love not traveling, too. Like this spring break, I'm so excited because I'm house-sitting and get to do nothing. Despite this, I still overpacked, bringing enough outfits and stuff for 3 weeks instead of one. Of course, if I did travel more, I'd probably get over it, but there is still this insane inability to cope and adapt to any situation. With everything else in my life, I try so hard to be easy-going and go with the flow, even if I'm upset (which usually fails). With traveling, I have no desire to change how I am. Again, I can count how many times I've left Texas on a trip in the last five years on one hand, but still. I freakishly like it that way.
But, despite all of this, I want it, I want it so badly. I want to be able to say, "Australia? Oh, yes I've been there. Sydney is beautiful in the summer." I mean, I haven't been to France or Italy or Spain, the usual places kids my age go, but I will, eventually. The truly ironic part is I always said I could do without going Australia. But now...it feels so right, I'm so convicted, I couldn't imagine anywhere else. So despite my deep-seeded doubts about travel in itself, I know this will be everything I want and everything I never knew I could want.
So as I go through the unbelievably terrifying process of getting a loan for the trip, I hold onto this and keep making lists, endless lists about what to bring, what to buy, what to do before and during. I count down the months and weeks until I leave and then have a panic attack, as it's only 3 months. I stress about money, I stress about leaving, I stress about what's happening with the actual program (oh yeah, still an off chance it could get canceled...but, whatever). Perhaps I always will be a terrible traveler, but that's just something I have, whatever. It's like how I hate corn or can't stop watching Gilmore Girls; it's just who I am. Oh, well, anomaly forever.
