I've always thought Untitled was an oxymoron

Because by calling something Untitled, you are giving it a title. Right? Oh, what a crazy world we live in.

Okay, so Halloween is in approximately three days. I don't really have plans. I mean, there are plans, but I don't know if I want to follow them. Thanksgiving is (ah!) in three weeks. It's going to be an event to remember. I found out my sister Kacey decided to come which is great, of course. At least we can be three out of the four, right? Right... Plus a certain best friend is flying in which might be too much too handle and I will have to break down in embarrassing sobs right there in the airport :) Haha, I wouldn't do that to you, don't worry.

Well, I certainly had a Day. Started out a little shaky. I walk to my morning class with a good friend of mine and today we had a less than pleasant subject for conversation. Another friend of ours seems to be not handling college as well as everyone thought she would. She's in my prayers and it's turning out to be one of those situations that prayers are really the only way I can help. Then I continued on with my day with my favorite class, Anthropology. We received our tests back and I was very pleased with the nice shiny A I received. Until he explained the grading. Through an intricate mathematical system, it turns out I got an 89, which means...a B. Which means ONE POINT away from an A. That definitely brought down my day in a way. I mean, one...point...It's not life-changing but still.

Then, the doozie. I had a test in my biology class that turned out to be a lot harder than I thought...or studied for. Our professor at the very beginning of the class went on and on about how this class was different, almost easy. This test completely contradicted that and I almost started crying in the lecture hall. I did my best, which only got me a C... Again, not life-changing but still very hard to accept when I'm trying to get a 3.7 GPA. And considering my luck, he's the one professor that doesn't offer any type of extra credit. So I'm stuck with my C. Yippee!

It all wouldn't be a big deal except for the fact that this day seems to be mirroring how I've been feeling the last couple weeks. It all seems so much...harder than I anticipated. It's not just the work, I'm pretty sure it's just an off week, it's everything. Juggling friends, weekends, and just college has started to tire me out and it's only October! I've been starting to look at my situation and wonder if I'm doing it wrong. Should I be so burned out only at the end of my second month? I just find myself looking forward to the end of the semester so violently that I can't find the happiness in this one. I feel like I'm looking for all the answers, and coming up empty-handed. Ah, but I'm hoping it will pass. These last few weeks have been stressful, but I can still feel the hope that certain things (and people) still provide. So again, I know I'm okay.

P.S. See the parenthesis? That's you.

Halfsies

Wow, it's been a week since my last post, but I have been so unbelievably busy (midterms...suck) that I have barely had to time to check my e-mail let alone hit up my blog. For that, I am very sorry to the crowds of followers I am so sure I have. I know it must have been so rough for you :)

I was talking to a close friend of mine when I suddenly realized I'm halfway through the first semester of my freshmen year. I mean, Halloween is so close and Thanksgiving is just around the corner, two events I honestly cannot wait for. It seems to all be flying by so quickly but at the same time, I feel like I can keep the pace. I'm finding myself more easily organized, thinking clearly about the things I need to, and focusing most of my energy on just getting everything done. I've even started keeping my closet organized, which is revolutionary for me.

When I went to church this Sunday, the pastor did the miraculously thing he usually does and gave a sermon on exactly what I needed to hear; It was all about opening up to all the possibilities and opening your eyes to be able to see all the wonderful potential around you. That's why I've been just keeping my priorities general and easily at bay because I know that the biggies are coming, and I've just been biding my time until I can just accept them and take them as they are. So as the middle of my semester is passing me, while I idly wave it on, I like to think that I am just taking things as they come and just letting everything stay open enough where I can be happy with what I have. Which I am. Incredibly so.

So with keeping my options open, studying like crazy, and just attempting to keep everything going forward in general, I couldn't be happier to realized I'm right where I should be. It's nice to think that I'm about to be over the hill of the hard part and that I'm coming out of all this relatively unscathed (although my brain may or may not survive the cramming that is going on up there). Also, the obvious lack of sleep has begun to take its toll. I'm okay, so it's okay.

P.S. I wish they didn't make that stupid movie called P.S. I Love You so I could write P.S. I love you without thinking about that. But I do love you.

When in doubt, rearrange the furniture

I like lists. So here goes.

-I can't stop reading books. Books not for school. I think it's a bad thing
-I've discovered my love for coffee. Unfortunately.
-Rain sucks. It makes mud.
-Midterms. Wait, what?
-I miss my best friend.
-Music has become such an addiction. I'm the kid constantly with her headphones in.
-I liked going back to school to see Fall Show. But I'm done with that now. And that's okay.
-Still a little lonely
-My eating schedule is way off. Who get's hungry at 3, but can't eat dinner at 7?
-Gossip Girl/90210....can't live without?
-I'm actually making friends.
-I've learned that going home is harder but for the wrong reasons.
-Make-up is pointless.
-I'm smarter than my English professor.
-Hanes V-neck and dark jeans=my uniform.
-Raspberry iced tea is heavenly.
-I actually like Cafe food.
-Carson and I get along well. Better than some would have thought.
-I really miss my best friend.
-Anthropology has changed my life. I wish my other classes were half as cool.
-I'm thinking of getting involved in the musical theatre dept. here...sort of.
-Four little words. I can has cheezburger. It's my anti-cool.
-Fluffernutter. Delish.
-I miss my sisters.
-I think I'm actually doing well, despite all the mocking that I'm not.
-I can feel myself changing as a person. Is that weird?
-iMacs are better than Macbooks. For life.
-A guy tipped his cowboy hat to me today. It creeped me out.
-The election is such a forefront here, it astounds me. I can't wait to vote.
-College is...so different from high school. I like it.
-I want to road trip now.
-Have I mentioned missing a best friend of mine?
-Random tidbits obviously make up my life.
-The light in our sink area went out. It sucks. Maintenance people ignore us.
-I think I'm really happy.
-I actually like going to class. I see why people do it.
-Blogging is still fun. It's a record I've kept one this long.

Okay, that's all for now. I'll probably think of a million charming things in about five minutes, but it is what it is. I hope it kept you informed!

P.S. I like that you keep me informed. A lot.

One is the loneliest number...

Yep. I'm a little bit lonely. It's not even that I'm alone too much. I like being alone, so it's never really a burden. It's just one of those things where when I want to talk to someone, let out a little bit of emotion, it gets harder and harder to make the call. It isn't even just that I don't want to bother anyone, or that people seem to be very busy. I'm just trying not to focus on the pit in my stomach, hoping it will go away.

I finally understand the phrase, "I miss you so much it hurts." It's tragically coming down to that. The burning feeling in my chest when I feel like I could break down in sobs, but I'm generally in a public place so I can't. It can be the smallest thing from a song that makes me think about a certain person or hearing a familiar name called. My current friends are getting quite sick of stories about home or funny events they weren't at. I miss the instantaneous solution I used to get at home. If I missed someone, I would go see them. Or if they were far away, I'd just call or e-mail. It's so different. And that scares me.

Keep in mind, these blogs are an outlet. They are usually at the height of an emotional episode so I'm into these extremes during this peaceful time I get to relax and just write. No need to call the psyche ward. Just yet...It's just taking me longer to find different ways to handle all this. Even just hearing a person's voice after I've spent the whole day reminiscing about something ridiculous won't cure it. Sometimes it makes it worse. But always, I'd rather hear the voice over not hearing it.

It's almost like I'm already stuck in a rut and I'm not even 2 months in. I'm just feeling a little lost, a bit desolate, and slightly like I'm drowning. It's hard to see the hope in all this, but I pray every day for it so I know it'll shine through. Of course, I am so blessed to have people that will be there for me, no matter what. That's always nice.

P.S. When I get really lonely and the distance calls its only silence I think of you smiling with pride in your eyes.

Hello, old friend.

Ah, autumn is approaching so quickly and so very slowly at the same time. If I could pick a favorite season, it would be fall. But I say that about all four so I suppose it doesn't mean much. The other day in class, I unfortunately fell out of focus and started remembering this time last year. So many things wrong, so much trouble, and drama; a memorable time to say the least. I was miserable because of college and theatre but so happy at the same time because through it all, I made a best friend, one I intend to keep for always. It was such a strange time, looking back on it. I fiercely loved and morbidly hated every minute of it and I don't regret it in any way. I just remember it rather clearly and I know there are so many reasons why.

But it's a new month, a new year, and such a new place. I'm still in that hazy impression of life, mostly just going the motions while still trying to understand how very quickly my life is moving forward. I'm in college, for goodness' sake. If anything, I wish I could go back to tell myself that in just a few short months, all of that would be nothing but a distant memory of such intense emotions and events. Someone I occasionally consider a little too smart told me that I should focus on today; it's my blessing and all I should heed any attention to. I think I'm starting to practice that instead of just living in theory as is my norm. And of course, thanking Him along every line.

Although, as hard as I try to live in the now (how mod!), I'm still counting down. It's a habit of mine I've been trying to break since I realized I had it. Counting down till holidays, till I see people, till everything is okay and a thousand other nameless things that I should just wait for patiently rather than marking off day by day. It's ridiculous to live like that and I'm surprised that I'm beginning to slow down with it. The good thing about college is you have so much time to focus on you and yourself. It's turning out to be exactly what the doctor ordered.

So as this month launches itself upon us all, I accept it as graciously as possible and just focus on being able to juggle all the things being thrown at me. I'm still riding the roller coaster that I seem to never be able to get off of, but I'm starting to realize I wouldn't want it any other way. I seem to be finally able to enjoy the ride, as hectic and crazy as it is. For now, I'm good. So it's good. Now all I truly have to focus on is that paper due next week...

P.S. Hold your own, know your name, and go your own way. Everything will be fine.