Yep. I'm a little bit lonely. It's not even that I'm alone too much. I like being alone, so it's never really a burden. It's just one of those things where when I want to talk to someone, let out a little bit of emotion, it gets harder and harder to make the call. It isn't even just that I don't want to bother anyone, or that people seem to be very busy. I'm just trying not to focus on the pit in my stomach, hoping it will go away.
I finally understand the phrase, "I miss you so much it hurts." It's tragically coming down to that. The burning feeling in my chest when I feel like I could break down in sobs, but I'm generally in a public place so I can't. It can be the smallest thing from a song that makes me think about a certain person or hearing a familiar name called. My current friends are getting quite sick of stories about home or funny events they weren't at. I miss the instantaneous solution I used to get at home. If I missed someone, I would go see them. Or if they were far away, I'd just call or e-mail. It's so different. And that scares me.
Keep in mind, these blogs are an outlet. They are usually at the height of an emotional episode so I'm into these extremes during this peaceful time I get to relax and just write. No need to call the psyche ward. Just yet...It's just taking me longer to find different ways to handle all this. Even just hearing a person's voice after I've spent the whole day reminiscing about something ridiculous won't cure it. Sometimes it makes it worse. But always, I'd rather hear the voice over not hearing it.
It's almost like I'm already stuck in a rut and I'm not even 2 months in. I'm just feeling a little lost, a bit desolate, and slightly like I'm drowning. It's hard to see the hope in all this, but I pray every day for it so I know it'll shine through. Of course, I am so blessed to have people that will be there for me, no matter what. That's always nice.
P.S. When I get really lonely and the distance calls its only silence I think of you smiling with pride in your eyes.
1 comment:
oh my emma jemma I just wrote to K & K and told them how lonely I am
=[ missing you xoxoxm
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