Dang it!

I did it again! Nearly three weeks and nothin' on the blog. Oh, well, away we go.


So I don't think I've mentioned it on this yet, but I don't like one of my roommates. Like, really don't like her. She's rude and inconsiderate, messy and defensive about her mess. Basically, she's the dictionary definition of a bad roommate. About a month after we moved into our apartment, she and I had.it.out. Serious confrontation. She had gone into my room when I was at church to turn off my lamp without my permission, after I had asked all my roommates to please ask before going in when I'm not here. So I got snippy and told her that was not okay by me and to not do it again. A few hours later, I'm in the kitchen and she comes in and starts yelling at me about so much conflict she's had with me so I calmly and somewhat coolly address all her complaints. Since then, it hasn't necessarily been smooth sailing, but it's been better and I find she annoys me less.

My other two roommates on the other hand, HATE her, with a somewhat intense passion. She does treat them differently than she treats me, mostly because I think she's afraid of me and because I addressed our conflict early on. Yeah, she's still super obnoxious and downright intrusive at times (she's a knocker-and-walker, even on my bathroom...) But still, I have a lot of patience with her because I mostly think of her as an immature child that simply needs a little bit of guidance. However, my two roommates, whom I really love, cannot stand her and can't wait to get out of this apartment. So whenever they are complaining about her, I find myself sort of defending her, saying she's not that bad, it's just who she is and then they give me funny faces and keep on venting.

I've noticed this is sort of my habit. I am an empathizer to the max. I can feel bad for just about anyone, regardless of how they act towards me. I can see any opposite side of the argument, almost to a fault. It goes beyond being compassionate, I genuinely carry people's sadness with me. It's honestly why I can't get involved with helping charities or volunteering for pretty much anything, because the second I legitimately think about those in need, I am overwhelmed. By sadness, by hurt, by grief that their situation is less than...anything really. Seriously, even just an ambulance rushing by, I say a quick prayer and wait for the sirens to fade before I can move again, and it's too much. It is definitely selfish and downright mean, but I just can't bring myself to expand my realm of service past immediate loved ones. Even then, sometimes I feel so burdened by all the pain, I can't even cry because I feel like I'm torn in two.

I have no idea why I'm like this. I suppose it's a sort of a defense mechanism, but like put onto others? Because, say what you want about me, that's fine. But anyone else? Back off. I feel a lump in my throat every time anyone around me is threatened. Even my Spanish professor, who I really didn't like at first, the minute the rest of the class starts to not like her, I feel a rush of admiration and respect. It's so backwards and usually gets me way too many dirty looks, but I just can't stand by and see/hear people getting bashed when they can't defend themselves. I don't always defend them back, but I always feel the pain for them.

But of course, there is an upside to this. I have become unbelievably optimistic about the most random things. I have almost a naive innocence that the good will prevail over anything, that everyone will be fine and the world won't end. Really, it's more for my survival and sanity than anything else, but it fortunately extends past that for everything else as well. Sure, I tear up in the middle of class because of a book I finished 3 days ago and yeah, it's given me somewhat of a quick temper, but I would shoulder the burden a hundred times over than be an emotionless.

Oh, also, it's why I cry so much and so hard during movies, books and even a good song, because I feel the other persons emotions so fully, I'm overwhelmed by whatever they are so clearly feeling. That can get really obnoxious.


P.S. At least when I say, "I understand," it's almost always because I really, really do.