Deal With The Hand You're Dealt

Here's the thing.

Lately, I've gotten the sneaking suspicion that I am, in fact, not a nice person. Maybe I'm not sweet, maybe I'm not good. I've always thought my tough, sardonic outer person was hiding the sensitive, saccharine girl who I really am. The person I act like was merely a wall to keep others (friends, acquaintances, teachers, family, EVERYONE) from hurting me.

As it turns out, that might not be the case.

I'm beginning to think that the deadpan humor mixed with a certain amount of apathy towards the insane emotions of others (namely females, as it happens) has burned the sweetness out of me to the core.

Let me explain.

As I've no doubt mentioned, I'm the president of an organization this year, something I was looking so so forward to. I am a leader, I've been told this by countless people, and I am certain they are right, mostly because I am certain I am not a follower. As the semester goes on, though, I'm realizing I am much more Machiavellian than I ever realized. Ever since I realized the Prince had something with that whole fear over love thing, I never thought I would be the one to practice it. But there's something about watching a girl cry over something you said to her followed by not caring and glancing at the clock instead of blushing to really hit a point home.

Even with the other organizations and classes I'm involved in, I'm realizing I am much more the mumble a joke under her breath, role my eyes at the weaker followers and strive to hold a position of power type of person. Therefore, I'm attracted to those who are like me, cultivating many new friends, than those who I wanted to be like, the simpering fools who focus on their feelings than the constructive (and yes it's always constructive) criticism I just gave them. The bottom line is that I am not nice anymore, maybe I never was, but I know what is right and what is wrong, which is good enough for me, and at the very least, I am never, ever fake or untrue to who I am. Not anymore.

So I'm mean. I'm impatient. I'm what many would call a bitch. But, I get the job done and I do it well. That is something that can go on my resume.