Whoa, Blogger totally changed their format. Cool.
Okay, so I've come to the decision that as of July 8th (I think that's the right date) I won't continue on with this blog. I started it the night before my first day of class freshmen year, so I think it's fitting to finish it on the last day of class of my undergraduate-ness.
This will be something I miss, probably more than a lot of things, but it, like all those things, must come to an end. Here's a list of what those things are:
-Getting veryyy creative with food to make a meal and being perfectly okay with it. Examples: pasta 18,000 ways with a side of cereal.
-Getting veryyy sneaky with my roommate's food. (She'll never notice if I just eat a little bit...)
-Giving myself the day off like every other day. (I worked really hard yesterday, I deserve to take it easy).
-Living literally day to day, sometimes hour to hour given the amount of work I have.
-Thinking a year as August to May.
-Never ever knowing what the day will bring, even if I've planned it down to the second.
-The campus shuttle. I am probably the only person who LOVES riding the bus.
-Knowing at any given moment where the closest place with a cup of coffee is.
-San Marcos. Every day I love it a little more.
-Writing blogs while procrastinating papers.
-Running into someone I know at every single place I go in San Marcos. (Okay, maybe not...)
-Having something HUGE in common with 30,000 people. Bobcat pride, ya'll
-The social acceptability to wear headphones all the time.
-The fact that my friends and classmates find it perfectly acceptable to call/text/email at any given time of the night.
-My itsy-bitsy apartment.
-Being surrounded all the time by people my age, doing what I'm doing (Again, maybe not...)
-I promise this one is real: going to class. (By the far the most fulfilling thing I do).
-Also real: homework. Despite the moaning and groaning, it's something to do and I like it.
-The ability to do just about anything to not do that beloved homework. (sure it won't fade, but it won't be the same).
-Being in a mile radius of some of my good friends.
-Professors. It's strange to think there are people in real life whose job it is to teach you how to do something.
-Being a college student. I will probably miss that more than anything else. It's the very best.
Whew. I think that's all I need to say in this post. The next 17 days should be interesting.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
When the World Stops Spinning
There's a new show on HBO, called Girls, and it's about these young twenty-something's living in New York City after college and the antics that make up their broke, exciting existences. The main character, a 24 year old intern at publishing house who has an extensive vocabulary, tattoo's of childrens' book characters, and an English degree. Minus the tattoos, she's who I could be in 2 years.
Look, I get that my degree(s) are mostly pointless, that I will spend a whole lot of time figuring out what I want to do with my life then actually going and doing it. I have spent 4+ years defending the choice to have a major in something that does not guarantee a job ever, let alone a job right out of college. I don't actually relish in the idea of being poor, working in retail/food service, while being able to quote Shakespeare, Joyce, or Austen. That's why I double-majored.
So the answer the dagger-like question I get more than anything (what will you do after graduation) has become a simple one: I will figure it out. I'll look for a job, I'll get an internship, I'll work hard, I'll make contacts, have interviews, and probably spend a lot of time getting rejected and failing. I haven't the slightest idea what I want to do. But then again, does anyone really know?
Because as I sit on my bed, with hundreds of books staring back at me, all I want to do is pull one off the shelf and read it. That's the answer. I want to read. Unfortunately, few people make a living off of this so I'm back to square one. But I will figure it out. Or I won't. Either way, I'll be fine. When school ends in precious few weeks, I'll figure it out.
Look, I get that my degree(s) are mostly pointless, that I will spend a whole lot of time figuring out what I want to do with my life then actually going and doing it. I have spent 4+ years defending the choice to have a major in something that does not guarantee a job ever, let alone a job right out of college. I don't actually relish in the idea of being poor, working in retail/food service, while being able to quote Shakespeare, Joyce, or Austen. That's why I double-majored.
So the answer the dagger-like question I get more than anything (what will you do after graduation) has become a simple one: I will figure it out. I'll look for a job, I'll get an internship, I'll work hard, I'll make contacts, have interviews, and probably spend a lot of time getting rejected and failing. I haven't the slightest idea what I want to do. But then again, does anyone really know?
Because as I sit on my bed, with hundreds of books staring back at me, all I want to do is pull one off the shelf and read it. That's the answer. I want to read. Unfortunately, few people make a living off of this so I'm back to square one. But I will figure it out. Or I won't. Either way, I'll be fine. When school ends in precious few weeks, I'll figure it out.
Monday, April 2, 2012
And It Feels Like I Am Just Too Close
A whole lot of nothing.
I made out a schedule of the projects, papers, and various assignments due before April 3oth (our last day of class). It's insane, but regardless, there are a mere 4 weeks until my immediate demise, also known as the end of school.
Well, I keep saying that but then I have another two weeks of equal insanity, including finals, graduation, and enough hanging out with friends that I probably won't see on a regular basis ever again to last me a lifetime.
Enough? No, not me! I also registered for my summer classes today! Yes, I am two classes behind having a double degree so while I am participating in the graduation in May, I am not technically a college graduate until I have made the grueling 4 hours a day, five days a week, most intensive classes of my career.
Why do I do this to myself? I had a conversation with one of my best friends earlier today and we talked about our day and what we have this week and normal chitchat, but we both ended up laughing hysterically because there is just too much! We hung up the phone, both wiping the tears and with some chuckles because we do know why. It's the same reason anyone does anything that is too ridiculous for words: good or bad, it's because we love it. Yes, it's unhealthy the amount of coffee I consume or the amount of dinners I've had that make up peanut butter and saltines. Sure, I should get a more balanced sleep schedule, not consisting of having an alarm for 6 a.m., 9 a.m. or 10:45, given the day. Undoubtedly, I should find an easier way to do my work, between being weeks ahead of schedule or literally running to the professor's office to meet the deadline.
But hey, it's (somewhat) worked for the last 4 years so why fix what ain't broke!
What has worked is how much my love for this stressful and mad schedule that I call my life is. Good golly, there is a lot I won't miss about being an undergraduate here. But as the question of "What will you do after," becomes more and more frequent, and no less scary, I'm starting to become less sad, less stressed, less concerned about the little things. It's okay that I'm being phased out, because I'm phasing myself out just as much. This is probably the first change in my entire life that I'm so aware of that I am accepting, with both hands and a full heart.
Whew. I can do this.
I made out a schedule of the projects, papers, and various assignments due before April 3oth (our last day of class). It's insane, but regardless, there are a mere 4 weeks until my immediate demise, also known as the end of school.
Well, I keep saying that but then I have another two weeks of equal insanity, including finals, graduation, and enough hanging out with friends that I probably won't see on a regular basis ever again to last me a lifetime.
Enough? No, not me! I also registered for my summer classes today! Yes, I am two classes behind having a double degree so while I am participating in the graduation in May, I am not technically a college graduate until I have made the grueling 4 hours a day, five days a week, most intensive classes of my career.
Why do I do this to myself? I had a conversation with one of my best friends earlier today and we talked about our day and what we have this week and normal chitchat, but we both ended up laughing hysterically because there is just too much! We hung up the phone, both wiping the tears and with some chuckles because we do know why. It's the same reason anyone does anything that is too ridiculous for words: good or bad, it's because we love it. Yes, it's unhealthy the amount of coffee I consume or the amount of dinners I've had that make up peanut butter and saltines. Sure, I should get a more balanced sleep schedule, not consisting of having an alarm for 6 a.m., 9 a.m. or 10:45, given the day. Undoubtedly, I should find an easier way to do my work, between being weeks ahead of schedule or literally running to the professor's office to meet the deadline.
But hey, it's (somewhat) worked for the last 4 years so why fix what ain't broke!
What has worked is how much my love for this stressful and mad schedule that I call my life is. Good golly, there is a lot I won't miss about being an undergraduate here. But as the question of "What will you do after," becomes more and more frequent, and no less scary, I'm starting to become less sad, less stressed, less concerned about the little things. It's okay that I'm being phased out, because I'm phasing myself out just as much. This is probably the first change in my entire life that I'm so aware of that I am accepting, with both hands and a full heart.
Whew. I can do this.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Existential Crisis Mode
So my senior year of high school, we read a terrible book called The Stranger by Albert Camus (Ahl-Bear Cam-oo) that yada yada was an existentialist novel about how nothing matters and everything is meaningless. I hated it instantly.
Heaven help me, I'm starting to understand it. This is totally against my will and I'm pretty sure I'm just tired or something, but I'm beginning to see waves of existentialism wash over me. As graduation comes with a speed that would make anyone grip the handle, I feel very little to nothing, except that it's all meaningless. WHICH IS SILLY! I thought it then, I think it now, but I feel it more.
What's the point of writing this paper, why should I study, what does it matter what my resume looks like, what job offers I have, what I'm doing today, what I had for breakfast, if my clothes/hair/face/voice/life/car/everything meets some ridiculous standard I thought I had to have. It's all going to end anyway.
Ugh. I've been pushing off this post, hoping it would go away, that I would find the passion I've always cherished, that this tireless feeling of nothing would dissipate, but it just hasn't. I've gone from the girl who's willing to do anything for that adventure, the new thing, to the one who is finding it hard to care about much.
So as the biggest, most important four years of my life thus far come to that next chapter, I feel like all my hard work, the early mornings and late nights, the chaos, my friends, the crap I did/do on a daily basis just don't add up to the stress of unemployment, having little to no expectations of the future, and finishing the biggest goal I've ever had. Yes, it's my naivete talking, but there's a feeling of ennui of reaching this giant hurdle, only the find that it's just another bump in the road.
Yeah, I need to get a job. A real one. I'm tired of this. Sorry for the depressing post, but try reading The Stranger instead. Much worse.
Heaven help me, I'm starting to understand it. This is totally against my will and I'm pretty sure I'm just tired or something, but I'm beginning to see waves of existentialism wash over me. As graduation comes with a speed that would make anyone grip the handle, I feel very little to nothing, except that it's all meaningless. WHICH IS SILLY! I thought it then, I think it now, but I feel it more.
What's the point of writing this paper, why should I study, what does it matter what my resume looks like, what job offers I have, what I'm doing today, what I had for breakfast, if my clothes/hair/face/voice/life/car/everything meets some ridiculous standard I thought I had to have. It's all going to end anyway.
Ugh. I've been pushing off this post, hoping it would go away, that I would find the passion I've always cherished, that this tireless feeling of nothing would dissipate, but it just hasn't. I've gone from the girl who's willing to do anything for that adventure, the new thing, to the one who is finding it hard to care about much.
So as the biggest, most important four years of my life thus far come to that next chapter, I feel like all my hard work, the early mornings and late nights, the chaos, my friends, the crap I did/do on a daily basis just don't add up to the stress of unemployment, having little to no expectations of the future, and finishing the biggest goal I've ever had. Yes, it's my naivete talking, but there's a feeling of ennui of reaching this giant hurdle, only the find that it's just another bump in the road.
Yeah, I need to get a job. A real one. I'm tired of this. Sorry for the depressing post, but try reading The Stranger instead. Much worse.
Monday, February 6, 2012
Oy Vey
Alright. This sucks.
I don't want to graduate. I want to graduate. I want to leave school. Please don't make me go. I love all my friends here! Hate these stupid bit**es... Learning is awesome. If I learn one more thing, I'ma jump off a bridge. I love my apartment, this place is the best! Ugh, I'm ready to move home.
Day in and day out, it's becoming the same old routine of flip-flopping between the two extremes that have been haunting this semester. My classes are such a drag, my to-do list is laughable, I have to deal with idiots who overuse ellipses in their emails, I don't ever have to time to do anything. But then I'll run into friends on campus, make plans for next weekend in the Comm Lab, spot that cute guy in my research class, walk to the den to get some coffee, it's so dang pleasant I could do it forever. It's like I'm bipolar, or something, or like I suddenly get smacked in the face with my blessings in between the muddle and muck. Even studying in my tiny room crammed full of books and all mine, is okay, mostly because I know there's not a lot of time like this left, regardless how much I don't want to read these chapters.
I told myself at the beginning of the semester when everything started to immediately crash down with chaos that what I need most these next few months is perspective. There are precious months, weeks, days left of my undergraduate career, this will never my life again come May and I need to relish every good, bad, ugly, beautiful moment. I just hope I can hold on for long enough to see that day come.
Yeah, the future freaks the bananas out of me and no, I don't have anything figured out past next week, but I am beginning to realize that those aren't the points of focus for now. I've got a whole lot of time after graduation to be all about the future. Now is the now, as confusing as that is. So I'll take a big, deep breath, pick up this dissertation for my Environmental Comm class and get my head in the game. I can do it. Perspective.
I don't want to graduate. I want to graduate. I want to leave school. Please don't make me go. I love all my friends here! Hate these stupid bit**es... Learning is awesome. If I learn one more thing, I'ma jump off a bridge. I love my apartment, this place is the best! Ugh, I'm ready to move home.
Day in and day out, it's becoming the same old routine of flip-flopping between the two extremes that have been haunting this semester. My classes are such a drag, my to-do list is laughable, I have to deal with idiots who overuse ellipses in their emails, I don't ever have to time to do anything. But then I'll run into friends on campus, make plans for next weekend in the Comm Lab, spot that cute guy in my research class, walk to the den to get some coffee, it's so dang pleasant I could do it forever. It's like I'm bipolar, or something, or like I suddenly get smacked in the face with my blessings in between the muddle and muck. Even studying in my tiny room crammed full of books and all mine, is okay, mostly because I know there's not a lot of time like this left, regardless how much I don't want to read these chapters.
I told myself at the beginning of the semester when everything started to immediately crash down with chaos that what I need most these next few months is perspective. There are precious months, weeks, days left of my undergraduate career, this will never my life again come May and I need to relish every good, bad, ugly, beautiful moment. I just hope I can hold on for long enough to see that day come.
Yeah, the future freaks the bananas out of me and no, I don't have anything figured out past next week, but I am beginning to realize that those aren't the points of focus for now. I've got a whole lot of time after graduation to be all about the future. Now is the now, as confusing as that is. So I'll take a big, deep breath, pick up this dissertation for my Environmental Comm class and get my head in the game. I can do it. Perspective.
Monday, January 23, 2012
Didn't Take Long
I understand, I fully comprehend and unfortunately agree.
In my gender communication class, we had to go around the room and introduce ourselves (lame, I know, but only a class of 25). I was one of the first people to go because I was sitting in the very front row like the pathetic nerd that I am. I said my piece, stating how much I love school and repeating twice that I do not want to graduate. This was met with groans and an address by almost every senior in the class that all they can think about is graduating. I shook my head in consternation but thought little about it.
Until Thursday.
It was the end of my first week of school, my very last first week but the first week nonetheless and I was exhausted, irritable, fighting with one of my closest friends over stupid drama, nutrition deprived because I couldn't find 20 minutes (or enough cash) to go to the grocery store, overwhelmed with work, and in desperate need to remember my senior year of high school Lit class.
In a word, I was done. I'm finally tired of the constant work and reading shoved down my throat daily, of the mindless acquaintances that the only thing we have in common is class, and of a thousand other things that come with being a student. I feel like I have 5 different jobs, all full time and equally demanding, with no payment. I'm finally ready to leave school. Shame I still have five months to change my mind.
Something that makes me lucky and what I feel like unlike those other people, is that I am unbelievably grateful for the past 3 and 1/2 years. Every single moment, every tired morning, every sleepless night was beyond worth it. I wouldn't change it for anything, this undergraduate life I've had. I am so blessed.
Anyway, here's the regular class break down.
Physical Fitness and Wellness:
-Fencing: is boring. But it's once a week and I might actually learn something. If I stop yawning enough to pay attention.
-Golf: SUCH A GOOD IDEA! Literally the definition of a blow off class. I'm so excited.
Film and Prose: Dystopian Fiction
-Yeah, I didn't know it was Dystopian when I signed up for it, but it's only to meet a grad requirement so I can show up. The professor is very Indian so I hear 3 out of 4 words correctly. I think.
Late Shakespeare:
-Again, a grad requirement class. However, the professor is like a cartoon character. I'm convinced he's a crack addict who just so happens to have memorized every single line of Shakespeare. Seriously, he's insane. Also, insanely smart and I've been needing to take a class like this forever. Shakespeare is the origin of all things literature.
Communication Research Methods:
-Needed for my major (do you see a trend here?) but actually kind of interesting. Very detail-oriented and all about answers. Plus, the professor is a great guy who loves me already. However, it is the bane of Comm Studies majors everywhere as it is notoriously the toughest class in the curriculum.
Gender Communications:
-Simply to fill a time slot. But there is some soap-opera-ness about it. One of my really close friends, a professor in the department, has major beef with the professor of this class. They used to be besties but now they can't stand each other, so I made it clear the first day I am a very good friend of my professor friend so the professor would get it. Got it?
Environmental Communications:
-It's a brand new class and taught by a professor whom I admire very much so I had no choice but to take it. Despite this, it might be the death of me. My admiration for this professor is because she's Mensa-level smart, funnier than anyone and does not take crap from anyone. AKA the recipe for the hardest class I have ever or will ever take. Should be a wild ride.
Between stress from my extracurriculars and taking more classes now than I did my senior year of high school, these last few months will be a test, perhaps the hardest one I've ever been through, but at the end of it, I'll have two degrees and a deep sense of fulfillment. That's worth it...right?
In my gender communication class, we had to go around the room and introduce ourselves (lame, I know, but only a class of 25). I was one of the first people to go because I was sitting in the very front row like the pathetic nerd that I am. I said my piece, stating how much I love school and repeating twice that I do not want to graduate. This was met with groans and an address by almost every senior in the class that all they can think about is graduating. I shook my head in consternation but thought little about it.
Until Thursday.
It was the end of my first week of school, my very last first week but the first week nonetheless and I was exhausted, irritable, fighting with one of my closest friends over stupid drama, nutrition deprived because I couldn't find 20 minutes (or enough cash) to go to the grocery store, overwhelmed with work, and in desperate need to remember my senior year of high school Lit class.
In a word, I was done. I'm finally tired of the constant work and reading shoved down my throat daily, of the mindless acquaintances that the only thing we have in common is class, and of a thousand other things that come with being a student. I feel like I have 5 different jobs, all full time and equally demanding, with no payment. I'm finally ready to leave school. Shame I still have five months to change my mind.
Something that makes me lucky and what I feel like unlike those other people, is that I am unbelievably grateful for the past 3 and 1/2 years. Every single moment, every tired morning, every sleepless night was beyond worth it. I wouldn't change it for anything, this undergraduate life I've had. I am so blessed.
Anyway, here's the regular class break down.
Physical Fitness and Wellness:
-Fencing: is boring. But it's once a week and I might actually learn something. If I stop yawning enough to pay attention.
-Golf: SUCH A GOOD IDEA! Literally the definition of a blow off class. I'm so excited.
Film and Prose: Dystopian Fiction
-Yeah, I didn't know it was Dystopian when I signed up for it, but it's only to meet a grad requirement so I can show up. The professor is very Indian so I hear 3 out of 4 words correctly. I think.
Late Shakespeare:
-Again, a grad requirement class. However, the professor is like a cartoon character. I'm convinced he's a crack addict who just so happens to have memorized every single line of Shakespeare. Seriously, he's insane. Also, insanely smart and I've been needing to take a class like this forever. Shakespeare is the origin of all things literature.
Communication Research Methods:
-Needed for my major (do you see a trend here?) but actually kind of interesting. Very detail-oriented and all about answers. Plus, the professor is a great guy who loves me already. However, it is the bane of Comm Studies majors everywhere as it is notoriously the toughest class in the curriculum.
Gender Communications:
-Simply to fill a time slot. But there is some soap-opera-ness about it. One of my really close friends, a professor in the department, has major beef with the professor of this class. They used to be besties but now they can't stand each other, so I made it clear the first day I am a very good friend of my professor friend so the professor would get it. Got it?
Environmental Communications:
-It's a brand new class and taught by a professor whom I admire very much so I had no choice but to take it. Despite this, it might be the death of me. My admiration for this professor is because she's Mensa-level smart, funnier than anyone and does not take crap from anyone. AKA the recipe for the hardest class I have ever or will ever take. Should be a wild ride.
Between stress from my extracurriculars and taking more classes now than I did my senior year of high school, these last few months will be a test, perhaps the hardest one I've ever been through, but at the end of it, I'll have two degrees and a deep sense of fulfillment. That's worth it...right?
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Resolve.
I often ask myself why I keep up with this blog, especially since it's more like an open letter to my mother. Obviously, I have an answer or else this would have kicked the bucket when my best friend literally laughed in my face when I had told her I was thinking about starting a blog. Despite having a place all my own on the internet besides social media sites, the truth is I enjoy having a chronological and detailed description of my college experience. My first post was the night before the first day of classes freshmen year and I am determined to have my last post be the night before graduation. It will be like a book for myself, that I can show my kids (although that probably won't happen) or look back on when I'm seventy and senile. Anyway, that's not the point of this post.
First off: my resolutions. I usually don't do resolutions because they're mostly something people stop three weeks into January. This is more something I want to do because it's good for me.
1. Improve my posture. Sometimes I sit or stand in the most awkward ways. I need a more grown up spinal position.
2. Stop biting my nails/ take better care of my nails. I've gotten in to the habit of painting them and removing/chipping off the polish within two days.
3. Be calmer. Between caffeine and being very excitable, I just need to chill the blank out.
4. Breathe deeply and often.
5. Take more pictures.
6.Write. Blogging is a wonderful reprieve and stress reliever so I've decided I want to start a mixed journal. Creative writing was fun and can be a surprising way to get out emotions and plus I want to express myself more than just over happy hour to friends.
7. Graduate well. I want to leave this school perfectly and happily.
I shudder constantly at the thought of graduating in May and am in complete denial about it. Graduation is in less than five months. Five months of running up and down the stairs in Centennial. Five months of throwing papers around my room in frustration. Five months of awkwardly meeting professors in their offices to challenge my grades. Five months of making friends over shared love or hate of classes. I love school, I love my majors, I love learning so much. I don't want to go to grad school, not yet and even if I do, it wouldn't be at Texas State. It is much harder than I thought it would to face leaving this ridiculously hilly but wonderful school. Everything is going to change and the hardest part is having absolutely no idea where to go from here. At least in high school, I have a definitive goal to achieve afterwards, but now...
Ugh, sorry, I'm somewhat having an existential crisis and I purely blame the fact that I am in desperate need to be back in classroom. Plus, as I said, blogging is cathartic. All I want right now is Tuesday. I love school.
First off: my resolutions. I usually don't do resolutions because they're mostly something people stop three weeks into January. This is more something I want to do because it's good for me.
1. Improve my posture. Sometimes I sit or stand in the most awkward ways. I need a more grown up spinal position.
2. Stop biting my nails/ take better care of my nails. I've gotten in to the habit of painting them and removing/chipping off the polish within two days.
3. Be calmer. Between caffeine and being very excitable, I just need to chill the blank out.
4. Breathe deeply and often.
5. Take more pictures.
6.Write. Blogging is a wonderful reprieve and stress reliever so I've decided I want to start a mixed journal. Creative writing was fun and can be a surprising way to get out emotions and plus I want to express myself more than just over happy hour to friends.
7. Graduate well. I want to leave this school perfectly and happily.
I shudder constantly at the thought of graduating in May and am in complete denial about it. Graduation is in less than five months. Five months of running up and down the stairs in Centennial. Five months of throwing papers around my room in frustration. Five months of awkwardly meeting professors in their offices to challenge my grades. Five months of making friends over shared love or hate of classes. I love school, I love my majors, I love learning so much. I don't want to go to grad school, not yet and even if I do, it wouldn't be at Texas State. It is much harder than I thought it would to face leaving this ridiculously hilly but wonderful school. Everything is going to change and the hardest part is having absolutely no idea where to go from here. At least in high school, I have a definitive goal to achieve afterwards, but now...
Ugh, sorry, I'm somewhat having an existential crisis and I purely blame the fact that I am in desperate need to be back in classroom. Plus, as I said, blogging is cathartic. All I want right now is Tuesday. I love school.
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