You do what you can.

So I thought it wise to write a quick blog before I go into the self-induced study coma for finals. That is at the top of the list of madness that seems to love to take part of my life. But it's almost a relief to know I have to ignore half of everything and just focus on the tumultuous tasks ahead. It's almost a surreal experience to already be scheduling study times when it feels like the semester started yesterday. I can clearly remember move in day and yet here I sit 3 and half months later.

Tonight at dinner, a friend of mine was talking about how we're just about half way finished with our freshmen year. It seems to be flying by and it seems to be scaring me more than I think it should. Of course, I can almost see everyone reading this and shaking their heads who have gone through this already and call me foolish, but it really feels like this is all happening too fast. It's not just classes and everything, which I have a surprisingly firm grip on. It's also all this change that seems to be happening to me. A good friend of mine and I were talking over this thanksgiving break and she was telling me about how much she's grown as a person over these few months and I realized that I was in the same boat. Some might not be able to tell (I didn't until she mentioned it), but I am not the same person I was when I first came here.

I suppose I've sort of known as it happens. Whenever I would hang out with friends, I started noticing I wasn't really having fun, and was almost bored with everything going on. I couldn't really figure out why what had satisfied me over the summer and before wasn't cutting it for me now. This break was an excellent example of what I hadn't realized I was looking for; amazing company, even better conversation, and just having the chance to be with people I loved that loved me without having to worry about drama or other pointless ventures.

Of course, this is all still transitional. I'm still the very silly, weird kid that I hope you all know and love. It just so happens that I'm growing up a little and finding myself very thankful to certain people for letting me know that it's okay to do so. I really hope that's okay with everyone and that maybe you're seeing the changes too.

I also hope this blog offers enough to last awhile since I most likely won't have time to do another for a few weeks. Thank you, final exams. I am thinking of you all and hope you think of me as well as I fight my way through my first bout of college finals. It will an intense battle, one I cannot wait to be over with.

P.S. Since I know I don't say it enough, thank you. For everything. I love you.

Tryptophanin'

Ah, Thanksgiving day is coming to a close and the above seems to be happening to me. I don't know how I'm going to handle the early bird shopping, but we'll have to see what happens. As night comes, I'm reveling in the realization of all that I'm thankful for. I love how the day is basically just one long prayer to everything that you are blessed with. Friends, family, just about everything comes into sharp focus with a side of delicious stuffing or maybe some cranberry compote. It's nice to know that everyone around you is taking all this into account and giving thanks for it. That is why this holiday is my favorite. You can't help but embrace all the love and sharing going on. It's what I like to give special thanks for. I'm sorry this entry will be so brief, but my bed seems to be calling my name and the turkey in my body is demanding my immediate sleep. So to everyone reading, I am thankful for you. I hope you know how blessed I am just to have you in my life. I love you and hope you had a good Thanksgiving. Goodnight, all!

Burnin' up for you, baby.

Ah, today is nearly over. Sort of, it seems so much later than it actually is, but since my day started at 6:30 a.m. this morning, it's okay.

What, might you ask, brought me from my warm and toasty bed so very early this morning? That would be Class Registration which happened to open at 7:00 a.m. so I really had no choice but to drag my bleary self to my computer to deal with 12 server crashes (Yes, 12!) and complete chaos when the sun was just barely starting to rise. Hah, I used to be a morning person. Anyway, the moral of this story is that my early bird-ness worked because I got into all the classes I wanted. The relief was so intense I couldn't go back to sleep and found out how good the breakfast is at the Cafe at 8:30 in the morning. A first for me.

But what all this means to me was also a shock that I wasn't expecting. I think I'm burned out. I mean, I've heard of college freshmen having to deal with a lot of things but, except for the heavier workload, I thought I was doing okay for myself. But as the Thanksgiving holiday quickly approaches, I realize I am far too excited for the rest and relaxation that comes with it. Signing up for these classes made me realize how very finished I am with this semester. It isn't even that I'm that fed up with my classes (which I admit I am a little bit), I really just want a change, something to break this constant go, go, go. Even on the weekends, it's all about stuffing in the same amount of time with people as I used to have so rest is a rare commodity. As the semester comes to a close, I'm almost afraid of the ecstatic feeling I'm starting to get when a professor mentions a final.

So as this extreme change of routine comes around, I feel more accepting that I have in the past then my world turning upside down. I'm ready to not be a freshmen anymore and so unbelievably thankful that I'm almost half way to that point where I'm not. And oddly enough, my focus intensifies as I've recently found out that helps with dealing with the weeks ahead. I just can't wait to spring into second semester (pun intended).

P.S. I hope you're hanging on, just like I am.

What Dreams May Come

Sidenote: My mom wouldn't let me watch that movie when I was young because she knew I'd get scared. Well, I watched it anyway and got scared. Good movie, though.

Last night, or maybe even early this morning, I had a very strange dream. First off, let me start with, I don't like dreams. They're always confusing and I can only remember parts and the parts I do remember, usually mess me up and make me feel weird for the whole day or a few days. But that's another blog entirely. In the most recent dream, I dreamt I went to my old high school to visit my favorite teacher, Ms. Conroy. I went into her class and it was a big emotional reunion type thing. She asked me if I could talk to her class about college and stuff which I did. Then she just left the dream. The bell rang and the class filed out, but Conroy wasn't there. I looked around for awhile, upset that I couldn't see her one last time, but just left, unsatisfied. That is when I woke up, completely jumbled. I hate dreams.

Also, another thing I really dislike about dreams; they always mean something, some subconscious desire or fear. I mean, as an book lover, I should love symbolism. Well, not when it comes to myself. Too weird. Well, I think I have a little bit of this dream figured out (a first for me, usually my dreams are pointless). I think this dream connects the fact that I've been quite sick for the past few days and it makes me feel like I'm back in gradeschool. Also, subconciously, I think I'm missing parts of my high school years immensely, so much they manifest in my dreams. Of course, I do miss my beloved english teacher, but I can't help but realize that she is symbolic for someone else that I'm missing so much. Everything is changing, and it's starting to feel like I didn't get that memo.

Then again, another night will come and I'll have another odd dream that will make me all confused about it. Although, I know in my heart that this dream actually revealed something. The sad part is that it's scaring me more than the worst of nightmares.

P.S. But in your dreams, whatever they may be, dream a little dream of me.

Historically Accurate

Well, it's done. We have a new president. I was sitting on the floor with a friend of mine who was too sick to go out when it all happened. I didn't realize till MSNBC cut to the crowds of people cheering in New York, Chicago, and California. My roommate called me, ecstatic, but I found myself subdued. She's always called me cynical, but I just have this feeling that this will all end in tragedy. As much as I hate for that to happen, I give the man even more credit for having the courage and the faith to lead us anyway. I like that. And hate that. But for now, I'll do what our 44th president has been asking of his country for the last year; hope. I challenge you all to do the same. Forgive me for the sparse entry, but I don't believe there's much more to say.






























P.S. I know you'll hope. It's what you're best at.

I've always thought Untitled was an oxymoron

Because by calling something Untitled, you are giving it a title. Right? Oh, what a crazy world we live in.

Okay, so Halloween is in approximately three days. I don't really have plans. I mean, there are plans, but I don't know if I want to follow them. Thanksgiving is (ah!) in three weeks. It's going to be an event to remember. I found out my sister Kacey decided to come which is great, of course. At least we can be three out of the four, right? Right... Plus a certain best friend is flying in which might be too much too handle and I will have to break down in embarrassing sobs right there in the airport :) Haha, I wouldn't do that to you, don't worry.

Well, I certainly had a Day. Started out a little shaky. I walk to my morning class with a good friend of mine and today we had a less than pleasant subject for conversation. Another friend of ours seems to be not handling college as well as everyone thought she would. She's in my prayers and it's turning out to be one of those situations that prayers are really the only way I can help. Then I continued on with my day with my favorite class, Anthropology. We received our tests back and I was very pleased with the nice shiny A I received. Until he explained the grading. Through an intricate mathematical system, it turns out I got an 89, which means...a B. Which means ONE POINT away from an A. That definitely brought down my day in a way. I mean, one...point...It's not life-changing but still.

Then, the doozie. I had a test in my biology class that turned out to be a lot harder than I thought...or studied for. Our professor at the very beginning of the class went on and on about how this class was different, almost easy. This test completely contradicted that and I almost started crying in the lecture hall. I did my best, which only got me a C... Again, not life-changing but still very hard to accept when I'm trying to get a 3.7 GPA. And considering my luck, he's the one professor that doesn't offer any type of extra credit. So I'm stuck with my C. Yippee!

It all wouldn't be a big deal except for the fact that this day seems to be mirroring how I've been feeling the last couple weeks. It all seems so much...harder than I anticipated. It's not just the work, I'm pretty sure it's just an off week, it's everything. Juggling friends, weekends, and just college has started to tire me out and it's only October! I've been starting to look at my situation and wonder if I'm doing it wrong. Should I be so burned out only at the end of my second month? I just find myself looking forward to the end of the semester so violently that I can't find the happiness in this one. I feel like I'm looking for all the answers, and coming up empty-handed. Ah, but I'm hoping it will pass. These last few weeks have been stressful, but I can still feel the hope that certain things (and people) still provide. So again, I know I'm okay.

P.S. See the parenthesis? That's you.

Halfsies

Wow, it's been a week since my last post, but I have been so unbelievably busy (midterms...suck) that I have barely had to time to check my e-mail let alone hit up my blog. For that, I am very sorry to the crowds of followers I am so sure I have. I know it must have been so rough for you :)

I was talking to a close friend of mine when I suddenly realized I'm halfway through the first semester of my freshmen year. I mean, Halloween is so close and Thanksgiving is just around the corner, two events I honestly cannot wait for. It seems to all be flying by so quickly but at the same time, I feel like I can keep the pace. I'm finding myself more easily organized, thinking clearly about the things I need to, and focusing most of my energy on just getting everything done. I've even started keeping my closet organized, which is revolutionary for me.

When I went to church this Sunday, the pastor did the miraculously thing he usually does and gave a sermon on exactly what I needed to hear; It was all about opening up to all the possibilities and opening your eyes to be able to see all the wonderful potential around you. That's why I've been just keeping my priorities general and easily at bay because I know that the biggies are coming, and I've just been biding my time until I can just accept them and take them as they are. So as the middle of my semester is passing me, while I idly wave it on, I like to think that I am just taking things as they come and just letting everything stay open enough where I can be happy with what I have. Which I am. Incredibly so.

So with keeping my options open, studying like crazy, and just attempting to keep everything going forward in general, I couldn't be happier to realized I'm right where I should be. It's nice to think that I'm about to be over the hill of the hard part and that I'm coming out of all this relatively unscathed (although my brain may or may not survive the cramming that is going on up there). Also, the obvious lack of sleep has begun to take its toll. I'm okay, so it's okay.

P.S. I wish they didn't make that stupid movie called P.S. I Love You so I could write P.S. I love you without thinking about that. But I do love you.

When in doubt, rearrange the furniture

I like lists. So here goes.

-I can't stop reading books. Books not for school. I think it's a bad thing
-I've discovered my love for coffee. Unfortunately.
-Rain sucks. It makes mud.
-Midterms. Wait, what?
-I miss my best friend.
-Music has become such an addiction. I'm the kid constantly with her headphones in.
-I liked going back to school to see Fall Show. But I'm done with that now. And that's okay.
-Still a little lonely
-My eating schedule is way off. Who get's hungry at 3, but can't eat dinner at 7?
-Gossip Girl/90210....can't live without?
-I'm actually making friends.
-I've learned that going home is harder but for the wrong reasons.
-Make-up is pointless.
-I'm smarter than my English professor.
-Hanes V-neck and dark jeans=my uniform.
-Raspberry iced tea is heavenly.
-I actually like Cafe food.
-Carson and I get along well. Better than some would have thought.
-I really miss my best friend.
-Anthropology has changed my life. I wish my other classes were half as cool.
-I'm thinking of getting involved in the musical theatre dept. here...sort of.
-Four little words. I can has cheezburger. It's my anti-cool.
-Fluffernutter. Delish.
-I miss my sisters.
-I think I'm actually doing well, despite all the mocking that I'm not.
-I can feel myself changing as a person. Is that weird?
-iMacs are better than Macbooks. For life.
-A guy tipped his cowboy hat to me today. It creeped me out.
-The election is such a forefront here, it astounds me. I can't wait to vote.
-College is...so different from high school. I like it.
-I want to road trip now.
-Have I mentioned missing a best friend of mine?
-Random tidbits obviously make up my life.
-The light in our sink area went out. It sucks. Maintenance people ignore us.
-I think I'm really happy.
-I actually like going to class. I see why people do it.
-Blogging is still fun. It's a record I've kept one this long.

Okay, that's all for now. I'll probably think of a million charming things in about five minutes, but it is what it is. I hope it kept you informed!

P.S. I like that you keep me informed. A lot.

One is the loneliest number...

Yep. I'm a little bit lonely. It's not even that I'm alone too much. I like being alone, so it's never really a burden. It's just one of those things where when I want to talk to someone, let out a little bit of emotion, it gets harder and harder to make the call. It isn't even just that I don't want to bother anyone, or that people seem to be very busy. I'm just trying not to focus on the pit in my stomach, hoping it will go away.

I finally understand the phrase, "I miss you so much it hurts." It's tragically coming down to that. The burning feeling in my chest when I feel like I could break down in sobs, but I'm generally in a public place so I can't. It can be the smallest thing from a song that makes me think about a certain person or hearing a familiar name called. My current friends are getting quite sick of stories about home or funny events they weren't at. I miss the instantaneous solution I used to get at home. If I missed someone, I would go see them. Or if they were far away, I'd just call or e-mail. It's so different. And that scares me.

Keep in mind, these blogs are an outlet. They are usually at the height of an emotional episode so I'm into these extremes during this peaceful time I get to relax and just write. No need to call the psyche ward. Just yet...It's just taking me longer to find different ways to handle all this. Even just hearing a person's voice after I've spent the whole day reminiscing about something ridiculous won't cure it. Sometimes it makes it worse. But always, I'd rather hear the voice over not hearing it.

It's almost like I'm already stuck in a rut and I'm not even 2 months in. I'm just feeling a little lost, a bit desolate, and slightly like I'm drowning. It's hard to see the hope in all this, but I pray every day for it so I know it'll shine through. Of course, I am so blessed to have people that will be there for me, no matter what. That's always nice.

P.S. When I get really lonely and the distance calls its only silence I think of you smiling with pride in your eyes.

Hello, old friend.

Ah, autumn is approaching so quickly and so very slowly at the same time. If I could pick a favorite season, it would be fall. But I say that about all four so I suppose it doesn't mean much. The other day in class, I unfortunately fell out of focus and started remembering this time last year. So many things wrong, so much trouble, and drama; a memorable time to say the least. I was miserable because of college and theatre but so happy at the same time because through it all, I made a best friend, one I intend to keep for always. It was such a strange time, looking back on it. I fiercely loved and morbidly hated every minute of it and I don't regret it in any way. I just remember it rather clearly and I know there are so many reasons why.

But it's a new month, a new year, and such a new place. I'm still in that hazy impression of life, mostly just going the motions while still trying to understand how very quickly my life is moving forward. I'm in college, for goodness' sake. If anything, I wish I could go back to tell myself that in just a few short months, all of that would be nothing but a distant memory of such intense emotions and events. Someone I occasionally consider a little too smart told me that I should focus on today; it's my blessing and all I should heed any attention to. I think I'm starting to practice that instead of just living in theory as is my norm. And of course, thanking Him along every line.

Although, as hard as I try to live in the now (how mod!), I'm still counting down. It's a habit of mine I've been trying to break since I realized I had it. Counting down till holidays, till I see people, till everything is okay and a thousand other nameless things that I should just wait for patiently rather than marking off day by day. It's ridiculous to live like that and I'm surprised that I'm beginning to slow down with it. The good thing about college is you have so much time to focus on you and yourself. It's turning out to be exactly what the doctor ordered.

So as this month launches itself upon us all, I accept it as graciously as possible and just focus on being able to juggle all the things being thrown at me. I'm still riding the roller coaster that I seem to never be able to get off of, but I'm starting to realize I wouldn't want it any other way. I seem to be finally able to enjoy the ride, as hectic and crazy as it is. For now, I'm good. So it's good. Now all I truly have to focus on is that paper due next week...

P.S. Hold your own, know your name, and go your own way. Everything will be fine.

It's a Swell Season

So. This weekend was truly amazing. ACL was better than I'd expected because the line-up at first glance didn't seem so great. Turned out to be better than great; it was one of the best musical experiences I've ever encountered. Unfortunately, I'm still recovering from all the walking and sun exposure. I can't believe how tired I still am! Sometimes, I'm such an old lady it worries me. I'm in college, for goodness sake. I should be able to go on few hours of sleep, right? Ah, well. Probably for the best.

Oh, and as for the title of this post, The Swell Season was my favorite band that performed. I was that girl who was in the very front row, completely entranced by their performance. If you've seen the movie Once, you know what I'm talking about. They did that very rare and specific thing that happens to me sometimes when I listen to music; they magically captured all these crazy emotions I feel and neatly put them into beautiful harmonies and poetic lyrics. It was the most unique experience I have felt with music for a long time and I couldn't be more in awe of it.

The only drawback a near-perfect weekend though was coming home. I felt strangely out of place in my self-made haven. It feel so incredibly weird to come back to here after having had such a wonderful time somewhere else. I'm still not used to it, almost three days later. I feel like I'm just visiting my now-home. It's making things more difficult to get back into my old routine. I'm praying it will pass very quickly.

Other than that, just same ole', same ole'. Just, wow, amazing weekend and then having to comeback to tests, papers, and all around craziness. I wish it was time for a vacation. Okay, I'm starting to get distracted. I should get out while the fire's hot. I don't know if that's an actual saying...Kbye.

P.S. I don't know what to say anymore. I'm sorry.

This is why I can't be a writer!

I never know what to talk about! I will get these brilliant ideas throughout the day, but as soon as I sit down to my blog, they all vanish. I'm currently staring out my window in my pajamas and watching the butterflies migrate (which is really cool actually). This is why I've never been able to continue a journal for more than just a few entries. Everything that happens in my daily life seems so uninteresting when written down. Like today, the most interesting thing that happened to me was I forgot a pencil when I went to take my politics test and had to ask about 20 people until some guy let me have one. Yeah. Big drama.

It's all just started to become routine. Which is good. I like a nice routine. It's just... I look back at the previous entries and see how new and exciting things kept happening and how I didn't have to even mention pencil drama because real stuff actually took precedent. The good old days... Well, I suppose there isn't much more to say. This post has become a complete rant so I really should put a quick end to it.

Today was alright, I suppose. I had the First Test in one of my classes, proving the definition of its name. It was rather awful, but I'm praying for a B? Maybe? Ah, well. The joys of college. Again, not much to say on the pitiable events that make up my current life. Of course, this weekend will be... beyond an event. I know it will be the highlight of my autumn season. Austin City Limits Festival will prove to be the absolute best of the best when it comes to weekends, I'm sure. Needless to say, I am excited. Expect pictures.

Alright, I feel I've bored what few readers I have to near death and as that would be exceedingly tragical, I'll try and quit before I'm far too ahead. Thanks again, if you go to this point. And apologize for any inconvenience. I hope the next entry to be exciting.

P.S. As boring as my life is, I hope yours is far more interesting.

Fear and Loathing in San Antonio

Okay, that's an extreme title for a post, but we've been learning about attention grabbers in Freshmen Composition. Did it work?

But as extreme as it is, it's also slightly true, to some degree. First part: Fear. I am so afraid. I'm afraid of not doing well. I'm afraid of being the only one left at UTSA while everyone else moves on to UT. I'm afraid of not making friends. I'm afraid of strangers talking to me. I'm afraid of being afraid. Oh, and I'm afraid of the dark still. I though that would go away. But as afraid as I am (it can get overwhelming sometimes), it doesn't surpass all the more positive emotions I'm feeling about all of this. Yeah, I'm afraid of doing poorly in classes, but I'm so eager to be learning in some of them that it almost makes me laugh. I've even found the common sense enough to know that even if I don't make it back to UT next year, it is far from the end of the world. So yeah, I'm really scared. But who isn't? It's college.

As for the loathing, that is definitely an extreme. What I'm feeling isn't really loathing at all. It's a combo of different emotions that sometimes add up to loathing but not loathing towards one direct thing (although, I could possibly loathe my Freshmen comp professor...). I'm still sad about missing friends and family. There is still the nervous tension about being in new places with new people. I am also know for getting frustrated easily over the littlest things, like forgotten assignments or scheduling problems. But just like with the fear, the positive things are far superior to the not so nice things.

So when it comes right down to it, I'm okay. I may not be ridiculously happy all the times, but I'm finding a good balance, one I can accept easily. And that, for me, is a good example of doing well.

In closing (too much time in lectures?), I also want to thank everyone who actually reads this. You have no idea how much it means to me that you take a few minutes out of your day or week to just check on me. It feels so incredibly nice. So thanks. I love you guys, too.

P.S. I hope you are doing well also, and will tell me when you're not.

Wait...asbestos?

Okay, so I haven't written in this for awhile but I have fairly good reason. Nothing has really been happening. I mean, stuff is happening but I suppose I'm having a bout of writer's block. Well, here's a basic breakdown I suppose.

So I went home this weekend. It was alright, but I'm still feeling that tug that I haven't completely made a transition. I know I shouldn't go home for awhile to really make the final cut off of "Going to College." But there some really good parts (FEFC can save my life), but there were also equally bad parts (burnt cookies...) and the bad parts made me realize I have a better chance of actually enjoying going home more if I do it less.

Also, I visited a group of friends that I knew in theatre and that are still in high school. We spent hours catching up and filling each other in and then it really hit me; I'm starting to forget the bad and miss the good. It happens a lot to me, actually. I block out all the horrendous things that might have happened and focus solely on the good parts that I liked. For high school, I thought that would be impossible because the two parts were too extreme. But I surprised myself by remember the fun parts of high school and long for those days again. I hope it's just a passing phase because I refuse to go back to Bowie.

Oh yeah, and Carson and I might have a moldy dorm room due to a leak from a constantly running toilet. UTSA Maintenance have proved to be less that perfect as they have taken 5 days to even come deal with it, even though we have pestered them to no end (yes, we dealt with it on our own). That's another fun little part of college, I suppose.

Ah, okay, I'm pretty sure the writer's block is still kicking, but I just wanted to write a little something so my blog doesn't feel abandoned or anything. When something actually interesting happens, I'll be sure to add a new post.

P.S. You are and always have been one of the most interesting parts of my life.

Je crois que je l'aim

Tonight a few friends and I went to go see a European Film Festival at the local movie theatre down the road. It was a free festival, but donations were going to the Red Cross to help with Hurricane Ike (which I gave money to, because I currently loathe that stupid hurricane). We watched two movies, one in French (title above) and an Italian one. They were both beautiful films, but they both made me a little sad, almost hesitant about liking them.

The reason for this inexplicable melancholy about silly movies is that I'm desperate to travel. I want to see every little bit of the world and I am finding it hard to wait to do it. Ever since I went to the UK last summer and probably even before that, I have been itching to see new places and experience everything. Watching those movies and seeing those cultures just made it almost unbearable that I am currently stuck in San Antonio, Texas. I know it's probably just adolescent impatience, but every time I am bored out of my mind, I daydream about hopping on a plane and heading anywhere, everywhere.

I know all that blah blah about how I will have plenty of time to travel when I'm older, but I'm still borderline hysterical for the need to stretch my legs in a place where I am so out of my element. I'm realizing now this completely contradicts my previous blog, but something about being an airplane ride away from where I live justifies it. Okay, this blog is becoming a little less structured than the rest, but it is getting late. Bottom line: I wish I had my passport right now to jet set to Brazil, Spain, Germany, Fiji, or anywhere else I've never been. I need to see the world and I want to see it now.

P.S. I want to travel the whole world with you

Blowin' In The Wind

So. New school week, new month, and new feelings. My sister came to visit me this weekend and we had a really good time, except for any time we tried to go anywhere, we got lost. Whether is was down the street or in the middle of downtown San Antonio, I could never wrap my head around my surroundings. I didn't like it.

Something that I learned about myself a long time ago is I am a big fan of familiarity. I love knowing exactly where I am and where I am going. Confusion is not my forte and whenever it is inevitable, I try to cope but find it harder each time. Unfortunately for me, being a college freshmen at a campus I don't know has me near drowning in confusion. But as I am constantly scrambling for everything, I find myself looking for something I know will always be there.

I always heard that as you get into your late teens, you generally start to lose your faith. For me, it's the reverse. Near the end of my high school days, I started attending a friend's church and found myself re-discovering my faith from my younger days. I discovered that my belief in God could make me happy in a way I had forgotten about a long time ago. Now, as I find myself as a tiny leaf just blowing on a branch of the tree of life (See Bob Dylan song title), I couldn't be more joyful that I have a constant companion when all seems lost as I wander around looking for classes. It doesn't seem like wandering, because I know He is gently guiding me. His love is something I can't and would never, ever want to shake. I've become too dependent on it.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is, I'm ready. I am ready for anything this giant school, huge population, and crazy city has prepared to hit me with. His love and never-ending hope has my back and I couldn't be more pleased to realize it will be that way forever. And even better, I 'm finding I can't wait for it all to happen.

P.S. I wouldn't know what I would do without you there to inspire me.

Hair stylists are always right.

So a week before I left for school I went to my sister's hair stylist, Carolyn, and we started talking about leaving home and college and she surprised me with a tidbit fact.

"Two weeks. If you can get through two weeks, you're good."

I laughed at the time and thought two weeks would be cake. Well, I cheated a little by going home this weekend, but I think it still counts as a two week rule and I'm free. But as the two weeks are coming to a close, I can feel it. The pressure in my chest, the strange dreams, and all the other signs that are telling me that I am missing someone or something. I'm somewhat of a connoisseur of missing things so I can read the signs quite easily. I feel this tug deep inside and I know that these next few days will be rough. But as much I see these signs, I know I have to ignore them that much more, and figure out how to just live with it.

I'm finding it easier to forgot these baby bouts of depression here. Maybe it's that I'm getting older or maybe because I have no other choice, but it's easier to push these sad thoughts away and just focus on the positives, like how much I love my Anthropology class. I know that everything will come together and the missing part will fade slightly (not completely, of course) . It's just, for now, I am appreciating the irony of how very right Carolyn was.

P.S. The hope of seeing you soon really helps, too.

Home again, home again, jiggity jigg

So first time I went home since I've been here. Well, it's really not that big a deal since I have only been in college for a week, but it was definitely an experience. It was a short trip, less than 48 hours, which was really enough time to make me realize that the house where my parents live isn't truly my home anymore. I mean, although it is in the summer and on holidays, my life there is basically finished. It's hard to admit, and as much as I would like to just sleep in my own bed every night, I can't. And I think I'm okay with that.

I missed my crappy little dorm so much more than I would have thought. I missed being in my own place of comfort, which is what the room I call my home has become for me. Of course, it was absolutely amazing seeing a few of the people I have been missing, but there was a new pull to get home to UTSA (wow, that feels weird to see actually written down) and continue this thing called college. But despite all of the surreal situations, I really liked going home. It was like visiting my childhood, if that makes sense.

P.S. It wasn't the same without you, though.

Free Energy!

So I figured out why I have this wacky love for English.

I was reading my syllabus for my Freshmen Comp. class during my hour and half break in between classes (maybe the scheduling isn't so great...) and I was studying up my grammar stuff and the teacher had explained the rules and saying how complicated and frustrating they were when it hit me:

English and I are basically the same person.

We both can be very fickle, the aforementioned frustrating and complicated; We both change constantly to a point where people just leave us alone completely; There are always so many variables to consider and we are equally confusing to most people. Bottom line: English and I are both a little crazy.

It was a nice kind of revelation, sitting in the on-campus Starbucks (sorry, sisters) and listening to my iPod. Made me that much more excited to go to my Freshmen Comp class tomorrow now that I fully understand this inexplicable passion for the English Language and everything that goes along with it.

P.S. I have Spoon perpetually stuck in my head.

Adam but more importantly Eve.

I feel like I should be bubbling with excitement on the night before my first day of school. I usually can't stand it, the anticipation and whatnot. But as I sit here, busy on the computer and everything, I find myself more...complacent. This feels right. I should be going to college, I should be in classes, doing things that interest me. I had dinner with a friend tonight and we were talking about the upcoming day, and I found myself saying the thought that has blocked me from excelling all of my "underclassmen days." Pointless rebellion towards the system was so strong that I refused to let myself do well. Yay for only hurting myself.

But this is different. I want to be here. I want to learn about biology and anthropology and all my other classes. I have started planning out how to study and little rewards for doing well (the rec center is a God-send). Note-taking seems to be one of the highlights. Soaking up information is like a light on the horizon to me now. I mean, it's dorky but I know that people reading this will appreciate this.

So here I am. Hands wrapped around a hot cup of tea, slightly impatient to get very started, but mostly an overwhelming peace at being at the right place in exactly the right time. It's nice, and pleasantly unfamiliar. I'm even excited to ride my new bike around campus and wobbly find my own way. Most of all, I want to jump without thinking about anything else except for the glorious plunge and the even better splash.

P.S. I hope you know why I'm doing this.

Post Script

So the tears came last night, for the first time. I had just turned out the light and my mind began to wander and I thought of my friends. Each of them doing their own thing, figuring out their futures in very different ways and I realized that as much as I want to hold onto them as tight as I can, I want to let them go just as much. I want everyone I know and love to be able to experience everything they want to as much as they want to.

I don't know, the tears came unthinkingly but they weren't necessarily sad. Part joy, part excitement, part fear and a million other parts. I just hope everyone else is as eager as I am to jump on this train and let it ride its course. And yes, it's sad to me that I won't be a huge part in everyone's different discoveries and whatnot but I think a much bigger part is so happy for everyone that it overrules the sadness. Plus I can't wait to hear all the many stories come Thanksgiving.

P.S. Part of the tears were because I want to see your face again. A big part.

Ode to College

So, here I am, late at night, blogging in my dorm room. I don't know, it's hard to realize that I'm actually on my own. I don't live with my parents or any family member of mine. I don't even live in the same city. True, it's only an hour away, but being car-less, it could be 10 hours away and feel the same. I suppose classes will start, I'll meet people, get into a routine and then slowly, everything will fall into place. I hope I'm there to watch it all happen.

P.S. I miss you.